overflow.

from where do tears come? i've never had this kind before. i can't even say enough words to explain all the emotion that they contained, and then they also felt as simple as the single drops that streamed. it was like my heart was so full that what it couldn't possibly bear to feel welled up to surround my eyes until i had to blink to relieve the pressure. those kind of tears. i don't cry often but after a weekend like that; after feelings like those- the indescribable ones, the never-felt-like-this-before-and-can't-get-enough ones, the feelings that my heart knows can only be of God- those tears sure came.


'...Jesus took his stand. He cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way, just as the Scripture says." '
John 7:38

future plans and dreams at night

:: "i don't know. i just feel like i missed the boat. i did."
:: "no...no, don't say that. this is a ferry system. there's another coming."


how did i get it this good? the hardest of questions and decisions weighing on my heart yet the simplest of comments puts them at ease...if only for now. i'm in love with right now.

learning to fly

well i'm learning to fly but i ain't got wings
and coming down is the hardest thing
-TB

junior year felt like junior month. it certainly didn't feel like 2 whole semesters, but then i think about the ups and downs, the people met who only stayed for a portion and those who i'm still growing to know, the decisions made and regretted, the decisions made and fulfilled, the convictions and blessings, the deep discussions that were heard so deeply and all the words said that meant nothing, the challenges faced and the praise given for once again being able to overcome...all wrapped up in a blur of wondering what it would feel like to be a senior to now realizing i'm here.

it's funny to me how what happens during a span of time seems to define it when i look back. and how in the moments it all seemed so different than it does now. what it was like then isn't necessarily what it is now, or what it is at all. i don't feel the intensity of the situations pressing down on me, but i know where i am now because of it so i realize that the pressure was all for growth. it's like learning to fly... without wings.

it just feels right

"It's all gonna be fine.
It just feels right.
It has the whole time."

It's scary to look ahead and realize God wants me to move mountains. It's comforting to know that the mountains won't seem like mountains if I agree to trust Him completely. Could this be it?

God, do you know that I'm scared? Do you know I feel lost and I'm trying so hard to hear your voice? Do you know I'm worried more about what other people will think than what you think? Do you know that if I do this then I'm solely going to be relying on you and that's something I haven't done to this extent before? Do you know that I feel so overwhelmed by a deal that I keep claiming 'isn't a big deal' ? I know in my heart that you're speaking to me to make a change in my life, but I'm startled by the way you're delivering the message...the world I'm surrounded by, that I'm living in is screaming for me to deny it. Is this for real? Please, help me see past the messenger to you. Help me to hear you. Won't you come close and hold my heart? Won't you help me act upon your will alone? In your name, Amen*

heart choices

"Even slavery can free other things within us...if we submit to the process."
-MMH

thank You, God. please help me to continue to listen for your whisper over all this white noise of what i want in the world. help me not just to hear it, but to be confident enough to stand firm on it, act on it, and rest in it. thank You, God.

Your will. not mine.

sunday rest

it's so refreshing to realize that God's been working all along; that even when i feel like my life is so routine and monotonous, He's been preparing me so faithfully. He's been moving people towards me and away from me so strategically. He's been carrying me through and pushing me forward so purposefully. how fulfilling it is to see God and really receive His blessings with open, thankful arms. His love is so overpowering. i feel like i need to be still and rest in it as much as i need to stand up and scream it.

thank You, God.

sunday rest

You must understand this, my beloved; let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God's righteousness. Therefore rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. For if any are hearers of the word and not doers, they are like those who look at themselves in a mirror; for they look at themselves and, on going away, immediately forget what they were like. But those who look into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and persevere, being not hearers who forget but doers who act- they will be blessed in their doing.
James 1:19-25

the story God has for my life is to take me out of division into unity with Him. the story is to purify me so that i may be close to Him. oh, how He loves me enough to write my words, turn my pages, develop my character...that i may live ever after with Him. oh, how He loves me enough to bless my story so it may be read by others that they may also understand His holy, true ways.