Oh, life divine

I'm just thinking about what the real Christmas night must've been like. How Holy it must have felt to the world. Seriously. Holiness must have been in the air. I'm sure everyone breathed it in and felt a divine peace...an unusual combination of calm and gratitude that really did make them fall to their knees.

What would it be like for the madness of the world to stop like that again? For sheer Holiness to beckon us all weary-minded souls to rejoice...to really feel our worth? Do we ever do that, even this time of year when we're supposed to? Do we understand that angels are singing all around us and we wake up to a new and glorious morn everyday? That He brought life, and life is alive and renewed and always divine through Him? Do we really feel that down deep where it matters?

Please, God, touch me with Your divine life..take my sin and error, and give me a thrill of hope. Help me to stop, separate myself from routine, and pause in awe of Your wonder not only this night, but in all my darkness. In Your name, Amen*


"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned." -Isaiah 9:2

"And Mary said, 'Yes, I see it all now: I am the Lord's maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say.'" -Luke 1:38

missing

i have a lot i want to say, but i can't find the words.
they're probably with that part of my heart that took a left at that light with him.

they'll find a way back eventually.





"whatever you want right now
cannot compare to what God wants for you."

more mixed

mixed also means that good feelings won't go away. won't leave.
no matter how much i say i just want cross the line.
mixed is still there...i guess because in a weird way mixed was better than nothing,
even though i know i deserve more.


mixed could convert?
mixed could become cross the line?
unless mixed is already crossing for someone else.

oh, the contemplation mixed brings, yet fails to take when he goes.
i guess that's why it's mixed after all.

mixed

mixed feelings. mixed thoughts. mixed experiences. mixed. maybe that should be the title of this blog. this past 4 months of my life have been...mixed. jumbled. neither here, nor there. or, rather, maybe here and there simultaneously. just goin' for the moment. and you know what that got me? some mixed results.

mixed never cuts it.
nobody wants gray.
don't get lost in the in-between.

mixed isn't good, but mixed isn't necessarily bad either. funny thing, that mixed-ness. i can't even really write about mixed, because it's well, it's mixed. i can pretty assuredly say that here at the end, after mixed was forced to either become something or nothing at all...i feel as if something is missing. like mixed took something from me that i won't get back. maybe it's just the time that i let it steal. in which case, time was to be taken regardless, but it's probably that i let mixed cover everything else that was happening. mixed stole my focus, it sang over my other jams, it cramped my independent style. so now that mixed is over, i'm left to see the remnants of my life that i wasn't able to really see, that i didn't hear too well, what i didn't fully take in as it was occuring, as it was passing by...and now all of a sudden, it's all here right before my eyes: i'm halfway done with junior year. i'm about to turn 21.

thanks, mixed, but i'm so done with you. for real. tell your friend cross the line that he can introduce himself whenever he pleases. i'm more than ready for his initiative and charm. and the words he'll say and really mean. not that you don't mean your words, mixed, but you just don't mean them enough. you're mixed. i need go big or go home. i need cross the line. i need swim. you just say you'll try to swim and then sink, or, even better, never even jump in. you feel me? okay, great. let's get some cross the line up in here.

here's to the first half of junior status and mixed. i'm sure i gained a lot with you that i'll realize eventually. most importantly, i hope that you can jump in and swim for someone. who knows, maybe you've been treading water for someone else all along...in which case i really hope you realize this and make your life right.

here's also to this break and all this reflection, me becoming a big girl on january 2, 2011, and the start of the end of junior status. cross the line, this one's gonna be for you, buddy. yo time ta shine! come to me.

foundation-less

God, I haven't written in so long. And no, I didn't just take His name in vain. I cried out...because I've been needing to be heard for way too long, but haven't found the words to say. So I'm leaving it at this:

God, I haven't written in so long, but I so desperately need You to hear my heart anyway. Can You please do that? Put all these feelings into prayer and answer? Or maybe just listen to what's there even though I can't find the words? At least listen? At least let me feel that You know? That I may know all of these thoughts and feelings of complete wandering, sheer confusion, and extreme doubt are still part of Your plan? That I may know there is a plan...because I'm feeling like I diverted the plan a while ago and now I'm having to endure the consequences of choosing a different way. Even though I have no idea where or when I neglected the plan, where I lost my way. Still...I feel like it's gone, and something's not right. Everything is wrong.

God, I haven't written in so long.

she needed wide open spaces

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about?
Who's never left home, who's never struck out?
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone
Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed
-Dixie Chicks

i found some old videos on my camera yesterday. videos of fun, crazy, spontaneous times with my absolute best friends in high school. it was just the three of us. we used to joke that we would play them at our rehearsal dinners one day...those videos tell more than i can even begin to put into words. we were so young and alive, living and hoping for futures that were going to take us away from each other but loving that very moment we were in enough to record it. we agreed to go away and grow separately knowing that we would still remain close at heart. the strangely distressing part is, though, that despite those words we repeated to each other that last summer before college, as i watch that video, i'm not sure who those girls are anymore. they've been left in time, in life passing so constantly. it's like even though we promised to each other that we wouldn't let the distance between our paths part our strong friendship, we still walked different roads and grew up in different ways- such imprinting ways that are marked so heavily upon us now that it's nearly impossible to make out what was there before...what was there back when moving away from home and chasing career aspirations were merely figments in the far future of what could happen. that's life, though. it happens to us and we're just left to deal with it..to pick up the pieces it leaves behind if necessary and do something positive with the junk it throws at us. all the while, we become more than what our younger selves could even begin to grasp..and what once we understood all too well suddenly seems too faded to comprehend.

we needed wide open spaces, just like we shouted obnoxiously driving to the beach that weekend before graduation..if only we would've been able to fathom the exact toll those spaces would have on us and who we were as people, as friends. as i watch that video over and over, it's not the simultaneous note-hitting, breanne's attempt at driving and dancing, or megan's imaginary microphone that stand out. the only thing that seems blantantly obvious now..the only thing that i can relate to is that the words we sang became our very lives.

quicksand

it's not that i don't have words, it's just that they're all the same. the fact of the matter is that all i have is all the same. and it's smothering, it's deafening, it's consuming in a sickeningly addicting way. i want out, but not more than i want in. i'm caught in quicksand, my friend. and had i known by the looks of it that i'd be sucked in to sole misery, i would've turned. or would i've?

i want nothing more than to be out, free, inspired and empowered again. i want nothing more than a new concept, a better perspective...one that will allow something to click, to fit, to pull me from this entanglement that is weighing so heavily. i want my heart and my mind to be on the same page just for once. i'm tired of listening to my thoughts scream over the tremble in my chest. i want nothing more than for what i feel and what i think to finally dance together magically, perfectly. instead i'm caught, i'm all wrapped up in this web of contradiction between what i know is true and what i feel is good...between being drawn in but needing to turn away; to run away with my dignity and self worth towards what i deserve. but why in the world would i want to run to what i deserve if it has never felt as enticing as what i don't?

quicksand, i tell you. it's quicksand.