I can't believe that I'm still here, doubting. I can't believe I'm still right here, fearing for the future of my life- thinking, worrying, hopelessly waiting for an answer, a solution that will magically point me in the right direction. I can't believe that after all that God has shown me in the past year, in the past 3 months, that I am still here. That my heart still can fall back to this place, that I allow the world to creep back in and separate me from the Voice of truth that is crying out so loudly to me. Why?
Why can't my faith be constant? Why can't I always be hopeful and happy? Why can't I keep my eyes focused on the God that has never lost sight of me? The God that so graciously holds me, my path, and all I will accomplish here in this life in the palm of His hand.
It's at times like these when I finally find myself back here, writing, hearing my lost thoughts singing, crying, aching to flow onto paper that I realize that nothing I can ever do will ever, ever be worthy of my God and His love. I will always falter, I will always wander, I will always answer the world's questions when it beckons. Was I made for it? No, but does that change it? No. Do these nights when I relentlessly let my troubled heart find its way back make up for it and then some? Yes. Is my God there? Yes. And, thus, it is all okay. It is always okay. For my heart is always in His hands even when I am convinced that I am so far gone that I will never find my way back. He is always calling me Home. He is always reassuring me- even when I can't hold up my end of the promise, his unfailing steadfast love makes up for my failure. Thank God. Thank You, God.
Just like so many, many times before I ask that You reach out to me now, Lord. That You would take my soul into Your embrace and hold it for a while. Let your peace come over me now, Lord, that I may be rejuvenated and reassured that You are sovereign over all. Everything that I want to control, everything that I wish would happen in my life, where I see myself going, where I wish I'd already been, the relationships I have and those that I'm lacking, my doubt, my fear, my pride, my selfishness- I pray that You would cast all of that away from my heavy heart. Help me to trust in You, Lord.
I pray that You would speak and work in my heart, Lord. I pray that You would help to prepare me for someone in Your due time, and I pray that You would let patience fall on my heart like a heavy, heavy rain. Like a rain that doesn't let up until water stands. I want to be in love with You. So in love with You that no worldly relationship can draw me away. I want a relationship that reaffirms the love You have for me and causes me to turn to You like never before. This is my hearts plea, Lord. This is my deepest desire. I know that if I trust in You, that You will have Your way with my life in Your time. Help me to rest in this, God, I pray.
You are so big. Lord, You are much bigger than anything that the world can try and entangle in my heart. You are bigger than my worries. You are bigger than everything that I let pull me away from You. You are bigger than Nana's cancer. You are bigger than my grades. You are bigger than stress. You are bigger than early mornings and late nights. You are bigger than my friends' problems, much bigger than anything we think to be big. You are bigger than Haiti and all the evil and strife going on as I type this right now. You. are. so. BIG.
I love You, God and I am so thankful for Your unending, enduring love and grace. Please forgive me for my wandering heart. Please forgive my pride and selfish thoughts and actions. Please forgive my tendency to speak before I think. Please forgive me, God. Give me Your eyes, Your peace. Fill me up so that I may pour out to Your people- so that I may live for You.
I pray this all in Your Almighty, Forgiving, Perfect name,
Amen*
"..when the waves are flooding the shore and I can't find my way Home anymore,
that's when I look at You." -MC
