and so it is...an end to 2010

here's to:

turning 20. what a useless age, but it has to be included.
john mayer. i would slow dance in a burning room with him anyday.
LADIES NIGHT. epic. set the bar high.
ADPi owning Airbands. move, shake, droppp.
my first merlefest experience. turkey leg and all.
fighting with organic chemistry. winning.
rockbridge and BSB singalongs. seriously. bless the Lord, oh my soul.
tennis. unnecessary drama.
falling in love with childbirth and cutting the cord!
moving into apartment life with some besties
my dad deeming our apartment the Den of Sin
our apartment living up to its name...sort of ;)
Lauren and Kent on SYTYCD. they collided, and it was brilliant.

volunteering at the obgyn clinic, remembering spanish, and counting my blessings.
hannah and harrison becoming hanze.
rjd. it only is what it was.
roadtrip to wilmy with bre. all that ihop we (i) ate.
the video we made on the way home that is lost forever...
getting raped by that first orgo 2 test.
meeting God at Beach Weekend with Intervarsity. dum dums, sharing, praying, and tears.
GUYS NIGHT! planned, prepped, executed.
bre finding her love.
discipleship with Carie Mac and Frannie. uplifting.
forced to work with the oldies. loving the oldies.
God starting to work through greek intervarsity.
granddaddy flyin' away that morning. the leaves had barely started to change.
yellow roses.
tapping again. blisters never felt so good.
social dance with landon. the cha cha can be tamed.
toughest exam week to date. conquered. (only with lots of crap food, obscene videos, and PRAYER)
my class ring? have i really made it this far?
hearing granny laugh out loud again.
realizing what i want in a moment isn't necessarily what i want in the long-run.
calling it like i see it. putting the fire out before the burn.
mama's ring. mama's much deserved Christmas.
reuniting with the lovely katie nashland. 'i have a friend..'
time for reflection.

and to lots of other feelings, moments, ups, downs, prayers whispered, words that needed to be said that weren't, and looks given that probably should have been better concealed, obstacles, and accomplishments...now simply locked in time. perhaps they'll come back to me briefly as some part of my future dances through an experience that demands a recollection. until then, 2010. until then.

Oh, life divine

I'm just thinking about what the real Christmas night must've been like. How Holy it must have felt to the world. Seriously. Holiness must have been in the air. I'm sure everyone breathed it in and felt a divine peace...an unusual combination of calm and gratitude that really did make them fall to their knees.

What would it be like for the madness of the world to stop like that again? For sheer Holiness to beckon us all weary-minded souls to rejoice...to really feel our worth? Do we ever do that, even this time of year when we're supposed to? Do we understand that angels are singing all around us and we wake up to a new and glorious morn everyday? That He brought life, and life is alive and renewed and always divine through Him? Do we really feel that down deep where it matters?

Please, God, touch me with Your divine life..take my sin and error, and give me a thrill of hope. Help me to stop, separate myself from routine, and pause in awe of Your wonder not only this night, but in all my darkness. In Your name, Amen*


"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned." -Isaiah 9:2

"And Mary said, 'Yes, I see it all now: I am the Lord's maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say.'" -Luke 1:38

missing

i have a lot i want to say, but i can't find the words.
they're probably with that part of my heart that took a left at that light with him.

they'll find a way back eventually.





"whatever you want right now
cannot compare to what God wants for you."

more mixed

mixed also means that good feelings won't go away. won't leave.
no matter how much i say i just want cross the line.
mixed is still there...i guess because in a weird way mixed was better than nothing,
even though i know i deserve more.


mixed could convert?
mixed could become cross the line?
unless mixed is already crossing for someone else.

oh, the contemplation mixed brings, yet fails to take when he goes.
i guess that's why it's mixed after all.

mixed

mixed feelings. mixed thoughts. mixed experiences. mixed. maybe that should be the title of this blog. this past 4 months of my life have been...mixed. jumbled. neither here, nor there. or, rather, maybe here and there simultaneously. just goin' for the moment. and you know what that got me? some mixed results.

mixed never cuts it.
nobody wants gray.
don't get lost in the in-between.

mixed isn't good, but mixed isn't necessarily bad either. funny thing, that mixed-ness. i can't even really write about mixed, because it's well, it's mixed. i can pretty assuredly say that here at the end, after mixed was forced to either become something or nothing at all...i feel as if something is missing. like mixed took something from me that i won't get back. maybe it's just the time that i let it steal. in which case, time was to be taken regardless, but it's probably that i let mixed cover everything else that was happening. mixed stole my focus, it sang over my other jams, it cramped my independent style. so now that mixed is over, i'm left to see the remnants of my life that i wasn't able to really see, that i didn't hear too well, what i didn't fully take in as it was occuring, as it was passing by...and now all of a sudden, it's all here right before my eyes: i'm halfway done with junior year. i'm about to turn 21.

thanks, mixed, but i'm so done with you. for real. tell your friend cross the line that he can introduce himself whenever he pleases. i'm more than ready for his initiative and charm. and the words he'll say and really mean. not that you don't mean your words, mixed, but you just don't mean them enough. you're mixed. i need go big or go home. i need cross the line. i need swim. you just say you'll try to swim and then sink, or, even better, never even jump in. you feel me? okay, great. let's get some cross the line up in here.

here's to the first half of junior status and mixed. i'm sure i gained a lot with you that i'll realize eventually. most importantly, i hope that you can jump in and swim for someone. who knows, maybe you've been treading water for someone else all along...in which case i really hope you realize this and make your life right.

here's also to this break and all this reflection, me becoming a big girl on january 2, 2011, and the start of the end of junior status. cross the line, this one's gonna be for you, buddy. yo time ta shine! come to me.

foundation-less

God, I haven't written in so long. And no, I didn't just take His name in vain. I cried out...because I've been needing to be heard for way too long, but haven't found the words to say. So I'm leaving it at this:

God, I haven't written in so long, but I so desperately need You to hear my heart anyway. Can You please do that? Put all these feelings into prayer and answer? Or maybe just listen to what's there even though I can't find the words? At least listen? At least let me feel that You know? That I may know all of these thoughts and feelings of complete wandering, sheer confusion, and extreme doubt are still part of Your plan? That I may know there is a plan...because I'm feeling like I diverted the plan a while ago and now I'm having to endure the consequences of choosing a different way. Even though I have no idea where or when I neglected the plan, where I lost my way. Still...I feel like it's gone, and something's not right. Everything is wrong.

God, I haven't written in so long.

she needed wide open spaces

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about?
Who's never left home, who's never struck out?
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone
Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed
-Dixie Chicks

i found some old videos on my camera yesterday. videos of fun, crazy, spontaneous times with my absolute best friends in high school. it was just the three of us. we used to joke that we would play them at our rehearsal dinners one day...those videos tell more than i can even begin to put into words. we were so young and alive, living and hoping for futures that were going to take us away from each other but loving that very moment we were in enough to record it. we agreed to go away and grow separately knowing that we would still remain close at heart. the strangely distressing part is, though, that despite those words we repeated to each other that last summer before college, as i watch that video, i'm not sure who those girls are anymore. they've been left in time, in life passing so constantly. it's like even though we promised to each other that we wouldn't let the distance between our paths part our strong friendship, we still walked different roads and grew up in different ways- such imprinting ways that are marked so heavily upon us now that it's nearly impossible to make out what was there before...what was there back when moving away from home and chasing career aspirations were merely figments in the far future of what could happen. that's life, though. it happens to us and we're just left to deal with it..to pick up the pieces it leaves behind if necessary and do something positive with the junk it throws at us. all the while, we become more than what our younger selves could even begin to grasp..and what once we understood all too well suddenly seems too faded to comprehend.

we needed wide open spaces, just like we shouted obnoxiously driving to the beach that weekend before graduation..if only we would've been able to fathom the exact toll those spaces would have on us and who we were as people, as friends. as i watch that video over and over, it's not the simultaneous note-hitting, breanne's attempt at driving and dancing, or megan's imaginary microphone that stand out. the only thing that seems blantantly obvious now..the only thing that i can relate to is that the words we sang became our very lives.

quicksand

it's not that i don't have words, it's just that they're all the same. the fact of the matter is that all i have is all the same. and it's smothering, it's deafening, it's consuming in a sickeningly addicting way. i want out, but not more than i want in. i'm caught in quicksand, my friend. and had i known by the looks of it that i'd be sucked in to sole misery, i would've turned. or would i've?

i want nothing more than to be out, free, inspired and empowered again. i want nothing more than a new concept, a better perspective...one that will allow something to click, to fit, to pull me from this entanglement that is weighing so heavily. i want my heart and my mind to be on the same page just for once. i'm tired of listening to my thoughts scream over the tremble in my chest. i want nothing more than for what i feel and what i think to finally dance together magically, perfectly. instead i'm caught, i'm all wrapped up in this web of contradiction between what i know is true and what i feel is good...between being drawn in but needing to turn away; to run away with my dignity and self worth towards what i deserve. but why in the world would i want to run to what i deserve if it has never felt as enticing as what i don't?

quicksand, i tell you. it's quicksand.

joy comes in the morning

I have good news, friends. It may be old news because we hear it all so much, but we can never hear it too much. God answers prayers, and He answered mine.

You stay the same through the ages,
your love never changes
there may be pain in the night
but joy comes in the morning
and when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
because I know that You love me
Your Love Never Fails

You make all things work together for my good
You make all things work together for my good
You make all things work together for my good

hallelujah, amen*

alone

i'm sick of all the insincere
so i'm gonna give all my secrets away.
-OneRepublic


i should really get used to being lonely. it's been a good while...so i should seriously just accept it by now. he's not coming. i want to wake up in the morning and just be at peace with the fact that i'm alone. single. and be completely okay with it. permanently be free of the opposite sex ever crossing my mind. maybe if i go to sleep fast enough, it'll seem like this never happened. and like magic, i'm okay.

what i hate the most about being alone isn't the fact that no one else is around. it isn't that there is no one to talk to, or laugh with. what i hate most is that it leaves no one else to think about except myself. it's like all my thoughts take a huge dive inward, hang out there, and refuse to move. i can't stand it.

prone to leave the God i love

"The man threw his arms around Peter and John, ecstatic. All the people ran up to where they were at Solomon's Porch to see it for themselves. When Peter saw he had a congregation, he addressed the people: 'Oh, Israelites, why does this take you by such complete surprise, and why stare at us as if our power or piety made him walk? The God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob, the God of our ancestors, has glorified his Son Jesus. The very One that Pilate called innocent, you repudiated. You repudiated the Holy One, the Just One, and asked for a murderer in his place. You no sooner killed the Author of Life than God raised him from the dead—and we're the witnesses. Faith in Jesus' name put this man, whose condition you know so well, on his feet—yes, faith and nothing but faith put this man healed and whole right before your eyes.'" Acts 3: 11-16

i need to get over myself. then i might not feel so empty. if i didn't focus so much on myself and what i want and what i think i need...what i have and what i don't have- mostly what i don't have. i seriously need to be broken. my eyes need to be refocused. i need Jesus.

Please help me to not look inward, but look upward to You. Rejuvenate my faith in who You are...and shake the understanding i assume i have of myself and how i would have my life happen. Please reveal Yourself to me, God, so that i might see how little and weak i am in Your midst. How great You are to never let me go even when i put all my faith in my own will. My heart yearns constantly for You...how dare i try to fill that void with anything else? How could i love myself more than You? It's because of You that i breathe, that i live. Forgive me, God, and i pray that You would move me to fall before Your feet again now. You are God alone. In Your perfect name, Amen*

perfect interaction

"Every choice we make
And every road we take
Every interaction
Starts a chain reaction
We're both affected
When we least expect it
And then when we touched
And it all connected"
-Natasha Bedingfield

I met a new friend yesterday...and it's funny how instantly we began talking, and soon the talking became real conversing. You know, there is a difference between talking to someone and actually having a conversation. He accidentally shut down the computer we were running tests on, so it threw our last experiment off. He turned to me and said, "You know, this means we're going to be here for 3 extra minutes..I just changed your life drastically. Anything could happen now that wasn't going to had I not accidentally done that. You ever think about that? How we're all so connected and the littlest moves we make, or don't make, seriously change the world forever?" Of course, we both reasoned that while the thought is entertaining, there is really no point in contemplating the difference our actions have on the way things play out, because after all everything happens a certain way...and so everything happens as it should. There are no "what if?"s ...and that's the beauty of it. The tenuous web of interactions we're all wrapped up in somehow unravels just right all the time.

Think about who you talked to today, who you saw in person, and who you spoke with on the phone. Think about what you watched on tv, or who you chatted on facebook. Think about what you read, whether in a book or on a sign driving down the road. Think about the exact time all of those things happened, what was said, what was heard, what was observed. Had you experienced any of it at a millisecond sooner or later, it could have all affected you in a different way...and any others involved in a different way. Isn't that fascinating? Isn't it overwhelming and exhilariting all at the same time? What really gets me, and my new friend because it was all a part of the deep conversation, is that we will never know the impact our littlest actions or lack thereof have on those around us or even very far from us. Had he not accidentally shut the computer down, and had our experiment not been done about 3 minutes later, then I would have texted someone sooner, called my mom sooner, ridden in the elevator with someone else or no one at all, pulled out in front of different cars from the parking lot, and had a completely different driving pattern on the way home which affects all those other drivers on the road. It's like the ripple effect. This intricate web we're all a part of is connected so vastly, yet with perfect precision.

The more I think about this, the more it makes sense not to worry about what is over. The more it makes sense not to daydream about what could happen, or would happen, or would have happened if I had spoken sooner, or done something later...or simply said or done something that I didn't do or say. You know? There's really no point in that because there is a much bigger, more complex, absolutely beautiful system at work before us, within us, through us, by us that we will never fully understand...and it never fails.

capture my heart again

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. -Philippians 4:8-9

why do you live?
why do you breathe?
why do you wake up in the morning?
why do you speak your words?
why do you act in your ways?
why do you think your thoughts?

what inspires you?
what moves you?
what makes you want to write?
what makes you want to dance?
what makes you smile?
what brings you to tears?
what scares the heck out of you?
what reminds you to think?
what allows you to wander, yet guides you perfectly?

who knows you?
who is always there?
who listens even when you don't speak?
who gives when all you do is take?
who believes when you doubt?
who forgives when you can't forgive yourself?
who is everything you long to be?
who loves you?
who died for you?

icing

one day i'll have it. and i will lick it off my fork, or eat it off my first finger after i run it along the bottom edge if i so choose.. who knows, i might even have my cake, too. and it will be everything i have hoped for and more after 20 odd years of waiting for the ideal consistency and sweetness. so don't tell me i don't deserve it, and don't keep me from tasting it. because i will get my icing eventually. the Baker has promised me.

paddycake, paddycake, baker's man
bake me a cake as fast as you can
roll it and pat it and mark it with a 'B'
throw it in the oven for Baby and me

Dad Loves On

Dad wakes up to a new day. He drinks his coffee and he reads his devotion. Dad prays. He smiles at his daughter and says, "Good morning, Kate!" She mumbles something back as she drags into the laundry room then to the toaster to pop a bagel in for breakfast. Dad gazes out over the golf course to watch the newly risen sun gleam just above the treeline, and allows himself to be reminded of the Promise that it resembles. Today will be a good day. Dad always decides that the day will be good no matter how heavy the remnants of yesterday or the worries for tomorrow may weigh. The sun rose again, and so does God's mercy and compassion.

Dad has a heart centered on God; he sees clearly at times when others let vision be clouded by the world. Dad always forgives and always loves. His children tend to take him for granted, but Dad forgives and loves on. His daughter says hurtful words and gives annoyed looks, but Dad forgives and loves on. His son has tested his patience and faith, but Dad forgives and loves on. His siblings try to manipulate, but Dad forgives and loves on. His co-workers push him to the limit, but Dad forgives and loves on. Some refuse to hear the honest truth he speaks, but Dad forgives and loves on. Some turn their backs and walk away, but Dad forgives and loves on. Some bring trials with them to his doorstep, but Dad forgives and loves on. Some do not forgive and do not love... still Dad forgives and loves on.

"Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed by Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven..."

How blessed I am to be able to call my dad a true man of God. How grateful am I to be raised by a father who walks with my heavenly Father so His will may be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. For as sure as the sun comes up, God forgives and loves on.


I love you, Dad. Thanks for being you.
Father's Day 2010

roots

"If life stayed the way it was,
and lovers never fell out of love,
if memories didn't last so long,
and nobody did nobody wrong,
if we knew what we had before it was gone,
if every road led back home,
this would be the very last country song."
-Sugarland

"I'm gonna live where the green grass grows,
watch my corn pop up in rows,
every night be tucked in close to you,
raise our kids where the good Lord's blessed,
point our rocking chairs towards the west,
plant our dreams where the peaceful river flows...
oh, where the green grass grows."
-Tim McGraw

"Back where I come from,
it's where I'll be when it's said and done,
Well, I'm proud as anyone,
That's where I come from."
-Kenny Chesney

"Growing up Southern is a privilege, really. It's more than where you're born, it's an idea and state of mind that seems imparted at birth. It's more than loving fried chicken, sweet tea, college football, beer, and country music. It's being hospitable, charming, and respectful while having strength, grace, and a genuine love for our family and our land. We don't become Southern, we're born that way."

"Being country isn't all about the accent, pig pickin's, or music, Katy. Being country is an attitude; it's the mindset. It's simple. It's about being honest and sincere. It's about giving people the benefit of the doubt no matter what." -Dad

It's June 11th, 2010, and it's hot outside. The kind of hot that makes you thirst for an ice cold coke and a dip in the pool. The sun isn't just shining- it's blaring like Jason Aldean is through that Silverado's speakers. I have my bare feet up on the dashboard, my cut off jean shorts on, and shades to relieve squinting. As we cruise down the highway with the windows down, I master the fine art of eating a mouthful of sunflower seeds at one time in my left cheek and spitting the shells from the other. Look Ma, no hands! My very best friend, Breanne, who is surely falling in love with the power of driving a pickup truck turns to me and laughs out loud. We spent about an hour loading her life into the back where it was now Northbound to Raleigh. And then it hits me. Maybe it's the wind that smells so sweetly of grilling out, heat, and grass that's blowing in my face, playing with my hair, or maybe it's the urge I have to turn the music up a little louder upon the first sound of, "she had a shiney little beamer with the ragtop down..." Whatever it is, for the first time in my 20 years of being raised in Sanford, NC, I understand exactly what it means to have roots.

The thing about home is, no matter how far you go or how much you think you change because of the people you meet and the things you learn elsewhere, nothing is ever as true and close to your heart as where and how you've been raised. That's roots. You can't escape them and you can't deny them. You always find yourself back where you started eventually. And if you're lucky, they'll creep up on you when you least expect them to...a friendly reminder that the rest of the world can play you for a fool if it wants to, but it can't touch how you were brought up: the importance of Sunday morning church and Mama's cookin' after, the excitement of running around barefoot down in the woods trying to keep up with your older brother and eating strawberries at the patch until your shirt was stained red when you were only supposed to be picking.. more family vacations spent in a pop up camper in the mountains than you can count, lessons learned from grandparents' stories while helping to hang out laundry and shuck corn, having parents that give everything of themselves to see you do well but always straighten you out when you need it, and being able to respect anyone and everyone you meet just because you ought to...because that's what your closest friends do, what your parents do, what your grandparents do, and what your great grandparents and Jesus did.
Roots. Southern. Country. Simple. Honest. Sincere. True. Holding in my heart, sneaking out in my accent, and I hope to God showing in all my actions.

We get to the new apartment and lug furniture, clothes, and pictures of good memories inside. Sweat drips down our backs, but we keep going until the job's done. Tim McGraw's greatest hits play from the truck outside as we look around her new room. Sunflower seeds are still stashed in my left cheek. Life might be different living in apartment style, this year might bring change; a new roommate, a new boy, old promises rediscovered, new regrets, old success found in new classes, old skills practiced in a new atmosphere- on a new level, old ways merging with new paths, old and new mistakes met by an even newer grace...

Thank God for roots.

3 up 3 down

I miss softball. Spending the past 3 days watching the Women's College World Series and watching Addie's little league game tonight make spring and summer memories of 6 years of my life come flooding back. 6 sweet seasons.

I remember walking onto the field for my first practice at 8 years old with a ball 2 sizes too big for my league, cleats from the thrift store, an old glove, and a tee ball bat. I remember late nights at practices, missing everything that came to me in left field, working hard to hit perfect pitches from the machine, and drinking lots of purple gatorade and eating little debbie snacks with the team. I remember chanting, "My name is Katy and I know what I got!" as my teammates responded, "What do you got?" -- "I got a team that's hotter than hot!" -- "How hot is hot?" -- "Grandslams and homeruns too-- "Uh huh, uh huh!" --" Now let's see what Katlynn can do!" and so it continued until everyone in the dugout had yelled. I remember wanting to redeem myself for all those pop flies I missed in the outfield, and I remember the night I did. I remember getting older and moving to a bigger field and learning how to battle a good pitcher at the plate. I remember learning how to bunt and slide..sliding practice was the best! I remember practices got better when they got dirtier, whether because of making great stops in the dirt or getting down on a steal scrimmaging- there was nothing like dirt in my hair from the helmet or a slightly brown left hand from a sweaty glove. I remember Sonic runs with Dad after games to get extra long cheese coneys and strawberry limeades as we talked over the game. I remember the hitting slump I stumbled into in sixth grade, and how I broke out of it. I remember the adrenaline rush of rounding the bag and seeing nothing but the third base coach waying me on, yelling, "down, down, down!"- there is no feeling like sliding in and being safe. I remember the season I got moved from center field to second base. I remember being nervous, but learning how to 'turn two'. I also remember the beginning of the next season when coach looked at me and said, "We're starting you at third, you've got an arm." I remember throwing my arm out by about day three of camp one year, and how bad that hurt. I remember making allstars and how excited I was...I bunted a lot on the allstar team. I remember the biggest, most painful strawberry that was easily the size of two half-dollars I got trying to steal second with 2 outs in a tournament. I remember refusing to tell coach before heading out to the field, then the timeout to get me off the field because I was bleeding through my uniform, and the lecture I got for trying to play when I was hurt. I remember how badly I wanted to play. I remember how I felt being up to bat, full count, 2 outs, championship game, being signaled to bunt then swing away, this is it, having a split second to judge the pitch... and wrongly choosing not to swing. I remember the heavy regret I felt as soon as the ball smacked into the catcher's glove- I had sealed the loss. I remember how playing a team sport instills the concept of winning and losing together- it's all part of the game. I remember how I loved that game.

I loved everything about it. Over the seasons errors decreased but were never eliminated; errors kept me humble and striving. I loved how the innings always changed and brought new chances to crack the bat or play good defense no matter what kind of performance had come before or showed in the score. There are things I learned on the ballfield that come back to me in random situations; I sometimes find myself in circumstances much like being in the box with a full count, 2 outs, a runner on third, down by two- circumstances that demand mental collection and execution of skill in seconds. Or more simply, how to think ahead and always be on my toes..down and ready. How many hard times can seem bearable, how many burdens can be lifted by refusing to be overwhelmed by the score to instead levelly ask, "Where's the next play?" But beyond that, I learned how to work. I was never the best. I made lots of mistakes, but I grew..not only in ability as a player, but in heart for the game. It's not about what exactly you do, as it is how much of yourself you give to what you do..the reward is in the effort.

I remember what it was like having to say farewell to my days on the softball field and how torn I was..how I couldn't bare to think about my memories or watch my friends play without me. In fact, this is the first time I've actually thought about it since then..since 8th grade. I remember my reasoning for quitting, and I don't regret one bit deciding to focus on dance during my highschool years, but I sure did love that game. I remember telling my mom, "It's going to be okay..I played for a reason even though it has to be over..this just means that my little girl can be a softball player or a dancer and I will be proud." Of course Mom said I would be proud of my child no matter what...but I remember that thought comforting me at the time, and it still does.

"3 up, 3 down
3 up, 3 down, don't mess around
3 up, 3 down
ALL D, NO E!"

stuck

can't,
won't,
want to..
share
want to..
desperately
but can't
just will not happen
stuck
i'm so stuck
don't want to
because i
can't,
won't,
be that girl
if only
i wasn't
stuck
so very stuck

at times i think life would be so much easier if i wasn't forced to
wait or wonder. the infamous W's. but life isn't easy.
it wasn't intended to be easy.
so i wait. and i wonder...somehow, i squeeze trust in there.
trust that it will all work out.
it will all work out in due time.

"sometimes people put up walls
not to keep others out,
but to see who cares enough
to break them down."
-some very wise person

seek Him

first of all, i'm not sure that i was truly motivated to go to rockbridge with IV for the right reasons...i have a big problem with focusing on what i should rather than just what i want. the bigger picture of being with God and growing in Him wasn't on the top of my priority list for the trip; i was more looking forward to getting away from school and hanging out with people. so the whole trip in itself is a testament to God's power over my mediocre life that i most of the time assume that i'm controlling...because He definitely spoke to me in those five days spent in the mountains of virginia and i heard:

sin screwed up a lot of things including the relationship i have with God, the relationship i have with myself, the relationships i have with others, and the relationship i have with creation.

my purity ring doesn't mean much...yeah, my actions may seem good but my heart worships sin all the time instead of God's will. sin isn't a behavior issue- it's a heart issue. blessed are those who are pure in heart.

only a deeper, stronger, purer love- only the love of God- can overcome the love i have for my sin, and becoming pure in heart isn't going to happen overnight. a pure heart journeys with God, trusts God, and believes in the holiness of His power over my daily life. a pure heart mourns the sin yet has faith in God despite it.

worrying is idolatry. it is hoping in creation instead of the Creator. worrying means that i put more faith in the world than i do in my God overcoming the world.

when quiet time came on the third day, i was feeling beaten and overwhelmed. how dare i come to church camp for myself and not for Him? how could i not expect Him to meet me here and reveal himself to me? how could i still, after all these words spoken in His name, not feel touched? amidst these thoughts running through my head, i happened to flip to this scripture:

"Go to this people and say, you will indeed listen, but never understand, and you will indeed look but never perceive. For this people's heart had grown dull, and their ears are hard of hearing, and they have shut their eyes; so that they may not look with their eyes, and listen with their ears, and understand with their heart and turn- and I would heal them." -Acts 28:26-27

praise the God who reaches out to the most distant of hearts, who speaks to the least receptive, and who appears to the averting. what had i been choosing to see? what had i been longing to hear over His voice? where was my heart centered? then the wind blew the pages of my Bible to this scripture, and to this night i pray that it stays with me because it truly speaks to my sin- only 98% of my day is spent hoping for what i want, seeking out what i think i need. is a heart like that pure?

"...but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope, we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought but the Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God searches the heart..." -Romans 8:23-27

seek Him.
trust Him.
love Him.
seek Him some more.

only a heart after Him will have the peace He gives.
only a heart after Him will be pure.
only a heart after Him will be blessed.

Mama

Thank you for all the right words
Thank you for the listening silence
Thank you for the reassurance
Thank you for the guidance

Thank you for letting go yet still holding tight
Thank you for praying-
everything really will always be alright

I could say more, but my words just won't do-
the power is Above us,
and I thank God for you

-Mother's Day 2010

beautiful preparation

When we don't have it, we think we desperately need it. When it's coming, we find it hard to wait. When it's free, we long not only spend it, but to spend it well. When it's wasted, we stress out. When it passes too quickly, we cry and when it drags by, we get irritated. If it's tough, we are forced to hope. If it's good, we long to save it in pictures, videos, and the infamous phrase "good times, good times" like somehow we can capture it and keep it...in reminiscing we can repeat it, or at least some small part of it.

Is there any other part of life that we long to understand and control more? Maybe because we're bound to it, because we can't escape it..our lives are dictated by it's coming and going; it's bittersweet passing. It chooses to change that which we long would stay the same, seems to lengthen the circumstances we hate, and steals the moments we wish to freeze.

To us, this is what it does, this is what it's like. But what is its purpose to He who stands outside of it, over it? To Him who is propelling it constantly forward? To Him who watches and works through it? What does God give to our spirits by binding us to time on Earth? To His people that both grow so hopelessly weary by it and long for it to stretch forever?

It's times like these that I think about my life and who I was at any 'ol part of my past and who I am right now in this moment. What an instrument time is for God, and how well He plays it. No words of mine could ever attest to the work He has accomplished in me through His use of time- in all its various forms- His power practiced in me, His grace flowing through me, His plan fulfilled, His presence made known. A heart made new and a tired heart restored...an endless, beautiful cycle.

Here's to the good times...here's to time.
Thank you, God.



"Every experience God gives us,
every person he puts into our lives is a perfect preparation
for a future only He can see."

good to know

so far from where you are
and i miss you
i miss the years that were erased
i miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
i miss all the little things
i never thought that they'd mean everything to me
-Lifehouse


is it possible to miss something you never even had? like to miss the idea? to give up on the hope, to let go of the dream that it would work out eventually? i think it is, and i think it's harder to deal with than missing past reality. you see, at least you can store real memories with someone deep in your heart to reference when you need them most...on the days you can't seem to smile no matter how hard you try. because at one time that person felt the same way, at one time you both were on the same page, you shared something special. that mutuality, no matter how distant it may seem now, is what makes missing something that really happened much simpler.

but what if that feeling was never grasped by the other person? what if it was always you, alone, wanting something so badly, hoping so desperately, living in a "it could happen" world so vulnerably? you took everything that other person did, and you believed what you wanted, you saw things from your perspective until you finally realized that it was all worthless, wasted time. what you hoped for really would never be, there was never common ground. only empty space. only a path you walked alone. you can't take that and store it in your heart for later. you can't look back on that and smile. all unrequited feelings give you is a loneliness that resonates to your core, a spirit that misses everything it thought it had yet never had at all.

how do you get rid of it? how do you fix that? most importantly, how do you not find yourself in the same situation with someone else again? how do you spare the heart that relentlessly misses too much already? that'd be good to know.

a waiting blessing

I'm on my knees begging you to notice me.
Father, will you turn to me?
One tear in a driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
-10th avenue north


Patience is a funny thing. But what's really funny is that I find myself more irritated than laughing about it most of the time. Why do we have to wait? Why did God invent waiting anyway? What's so wrong with instant gratification? ...or maybe not even "instant" but just not what seems like forever. You know, instead of years, maybe a couple months. Or instead of a month, maybe a couple weeks. Instead of a week, I could go with a few days... What's the point in waiting an extended amount of time for something we really want, something we really need?

Waiting forces us to focus not on ourselves. I think God makes us wait because he knows that we wouldn't survive if we constantly received as much as we thought about our own desires.

Through waiting, I have to acknowledge not only my insufficiency and inadequacy, but my unworthiness. I don't deserve any of my heart's deepest needs because right where my needs are, there my sin is also. In patience I reflect on God's grace, God's power, God's mercy- God's will for my life. As much as I'd like to believe that the yearning in my soul is bringing my fulfillment closer, it's just not. The wonder of it, though, is that getting exactly what I know I want in this moment wouldn't satisfy me for an eternity like God's goodness and presence in my life does.

Waiting is the best thing that could happen to humanity; through patience we are allowed to reflect the image of God. What worldly desire supercedes that?

words that move, sound that fills

Larkin Poe- We Intertwine

As the cold turns to frost and the day becomes lost in the dark

You hold me tight, hold me near, oh my dear your love is left a mark

Yeah, you're leavin'a large mark across my whole heart

People puzzle and talk and wander and walk through their years

They say hello, say goodbye, search for someone to dry all their tears

Cause we all want the large marks, we all the big sparks

and when my heart can beat no more, I hope I'd die for all the good that's left in this world

and when my body gives out I, I hope you find out just what this whole life was for

You and me, us and we, her and I, and him and she

It's a fact ain't it true that love's the finest thing around

Through all we say, all we do, we hope that it won't let us down

We search our whole lives for the moment that it arrives

And underneath we all know we would die in the name of true love

After all the pan, the lies, the games, when push came to shove

We would pay any price, we would give our whole lives

And when my heart can beat no more, I hope I'd die for all the good that's left in this world

And when my body gives out I, I hope you find out just what this whole life was for

You and me, us and we, her and I, and him and she

Yours and mine, thou and thine, and all the ways we intertwine

Ours and theirs, the dreams we share here and there and everywhere

Everywhere

Good writing strikes a nerve. It's like something becomes alive inside that had been slowly dying...like a rejuvenation of spirit, an awakening of a lost part of the soul. It makes me want to read and read and read just so I can think. Think about everything and really nothing at all because it's all put simply in the words before me. Still, it creates a yearning..a hope that there might be more there somewhere if you contemplate it enough, if you search it. This is good writing. It is simple and complex. Both freeing and demanding. There is a unique power in the right words chosen, the right syntax and rhythm that flows..the diction that perfectly explains.

Of course, good writing accompanied by music, by a reassuring sound is just that much better. Not only do the words sing to your inner being, but the melody makes it worth hearing. The sisters of Larkin Poe understand all of this...and this song I heard tonight for the first time struck a chord for significant writing...of words and lyrics and sweet noise. How well said, how well voiced and accompanied, how talented.

breath of fresh air

I have a friend. I have a good friend. I have a friend that has taught me so much through her simple actions. I have a good friend that has brought so much into my life in the past year. A friend that revealed how to be comfortable in your own skin- how to shine no matter what, how to let go of expectations and live freely. I have a friend. I have a friend.

College is a time of transition and growth. That is all I have heard since I graduated from highschool nearly 2 years ago. It's about change and finding yourself and who you are meant to be and what you are meant to give to the world. It's a time when you focus on what you want and what you need, and you hope that somehow those two things combine to form some deep, fulfilling future that satisfies the light in your heart that swells with each beat- a light that wants to burst forth and light up someone else, some other place. A light that wishes so badly to illuminate the dark of the world, even if it just flickers for a moment. College is about this. Guiding the light in your heart with the actions you make, the people you meet, the opportunities you take, the balance between the voices you listen to and ignore. I have a friend that has helped to reveal this to me. She was an answered prayer in a troubled time. She beckoned my light. Because of her, I know that I am in the right place, that I am meeting the right people, that I took advantage of at least one correct opportunity.

It is disheartening to think that sometimes such good friends- people with such influence- have their own lights that have to shine elsewhere. And yet, it is hopeful, it is happy, it is reassuring. It also resonates deep within me with peace to know that what she has given to me will also be able to be given to others. That she will move on and by finding her own place, her own path- by working to let her own light shine- she will beckon the lights of others as she has done for me. I have a friend. I have such a good friend.

My mom has always told me some people come for a moment and some people come to stay. I used to yearn for the friends that grew distant to stop their leaving. I used to want to be close to everyone forever. But, I have come to understand that if that was the case, then perhaps their specific purpose, the profound impact they have had on my own well-being, would not be as evident. Maybe I wouldn't see it as clearly, come to respect it like I need, or hold it in my heart as closely. Right now, I wouldn't be inspired to write. I wouldn't be drawn to stop and say a prayer for my friend, my very good friend. Who came to me with such joy and taught me how to be myself in such a changing time. Who has shown me that my life has a light that is shining just as it should be right now and it is okay to breathe. It is okay to feel lost as long as we don't lose the hope of being found.

May she always follow, guide, and harbor the bright light within her own heart. May she continue to speak so genuinely to the lives and lights of others. I have a friend. I have a good friend. What a breath of fresh air she has been to my life and my light.

not the first and won't be the last, and somehow- miraculously, amazingly- that doesn't matter

I can't believe that I'm still here, doubting. I can't believe I'm still right here, fearing for the future of my life- thinking, worrying, hopelessly waiting for an answer, a solution that will magically point me in the right direction. I can't believe that after all that God has shown me in the past year, in the past 3 months, that I am still here. That my heart still can fall back to this place, that I allow the world to creep back in and separate me from the Voice of truth that is crying out so loudly to me. Why?

Why can't my faith be constant? Why can't I always be hopeful and happy? Why can't I keep my eyes focused on the God that has never lost sight of me? The God that so graciously holds me, my path, and all I will accomplish here in this life in the palm of His hand.

It's at times like these when I finally find myself back here, writing, hearing my lost thoughts singing, crying, aching to flow onto paper that I realize that nothing I can ever do will ever, ever be worthy of my God and His love. I will always falter, I will always wander, I will always answer the world's questions when it beckons. Was I made for it? No, but does that change it? No. Do these nights when I relentlessly let my troubled heart find its way back make up for it and then some? Yes. Is my God there? Yes. And, thus, it is all okay. It is always okay. For my heart is always in His hands even when I am convinced that I am so far gone that I will never find my way back. He is always calling me Home. He is always reassuring me- even when I can't hold up my end of the promise, his unfailing steadfast love makes up for my failure. Thank God. Thank You, God.

Just like so many, many times before I ask that You reach out to me now, Lord. That You would take my soul into Your embrace and hold it for a while. Let your peace come over me now, Lord, that I may be rejuvenated and reassured that You are sovereign over all. Everything that I want to control, everything that I wish would happen in my life, where I see myself going, where I wish I'd already been, the relationships I have and those that I'm lacking, my doubt, my fear, my pride, my selfishness- I pray that You would cast all of that away from my heavy heart. Help me to trust in You, Lord.

I pray that You would speak and work in my heart, Lord. I pray that You would help to prepare me for someone in Your due time, and I pray that You would let patience fall on my heart like a heavy, heavy rain. Like a rain that doesn't let up until water stands. I want to be in love with You. So in love with You that no worldly relationship can draw me away. I want a relationship that reaffirms the love You have for me and causes me to turn to You like never before. This is my hearts plea, Lord. This is my deepest desire. I know that if I trust in You, that You will have Your way with my life in Your time. Help me to rest in this, God, I pray.

You are so big. Lord, You are much bigger than anything that the world can try and entangle in my heart. You are bigger than my worries. You are bigger than everything that I let pull me away from You. You are bigger than Nana's cancer. You are bigger than my grades. You are bigger than stress. You are bigger than early mornings and late nights. You are bigger than my friends' problems, much bigger than anything we think to be big. You are bigger than Haiti and all the evil and strife going on as I type this right now. You. are. so. BIG.

I love You, God and I am so thankful for Your unending, enduring love and grace. Please forgive me for my wandering heart. Please forgive my pride and selfish thoughts and actions. Please forgive my tendency to speak before I think. Please forgive me, God. Give me Your eyes, Your peace. Fill me up so that I may pour out to Your people- so that I may live for You.

I pray this all in Your Almighty, Forgiving, Perfect name,
Amen*

"..when the waves are flooding the shore and I can't find my way Home anymore,
that's when I look at You." -MC