mixed

mixed feelings. mixed thoughts. mixed experiences. mixed. maybe that should be the title of this blog. this past 4 months of my life have been...mixed. jumbled. neither here, nor there. or, rather, maybe here and there simultaneously. just goin' for the moment. and you know what that got me? some mixed results.

mixed never cuts it.
nobody wants gray.
don't get lost in the in-between.

mixed isn't good, but mixed isn't necessarily bad either. funny thing, that mixed-ness. i can't even really write about mixed, because it's well, it's mixed. i can pretty assuredly say that here at the end, after mixed was forced to either become something or nothing at all...i feel as if something is missing. like mixed took something from me that i won't get back. maybe it's just the time that i let it steal. in which case, time was to be taken regardless, but it's probably that i let mixed cover everything else that was happening. mixed stole my focus, it sang over my other jams, it cramped my independent style. so now that mixed is over, i'm left to see the remnants of my life that i wasn't able to really see, that i didn't hear too well, what i didn't fully take in as it was occuring, as it was passing by...and now all of a sudden, it's all here right before my eyes: i'm halfway done with junior year. i'm about to turn 21.

thanks, mixed, but i'm so done with you. for real. tell your friend cross the line that he can introduce himself whenever he pleases. i'm more than ready for his initiative and charm. and the words he'll say and really mean. not that you don't mean your words, mixed, but you just don't mean them enough. you're mixed. i need go big or go home. i need cross the line. i need swim. you just say you'll try to swim and then sink, or, even better, never even jump in. you feel me? okay, great. let's get some cross the line up in here.

here's to the first half of junior status and mixed. i'm sure i gained a lot with you that i'll realize eventually. most importantly, i hope that you can jump in and swim for someone. who knows, maybe you've been treading water for someone else all along...in which case i really hope you realize this and make your life right.

here's also to this break and all this reflection, me becoming a big girl on january 2, 2011, and the start of the end of junior status. cross the line, this one's gonna be for you, buddy. yo time ta shine! come to me.