sunday rest

it's time to get serious about God's will for my life. no, that doesn't mean read my Bible more because it's what i'm 'supposed' to do or pray more sweet, empty prayers because they sound good and it's what i'm 'supposed' to do. that means realizing that everything i've been praying for has been conditioned on Him changing those around me. that means realizing that God wants to bless me and answer my prayers, but He is calling for me to make some changes in my life. He is convicting me. it's time that i get serious about listening to what He is telling me if i really want Him to bless me.

That is why the Lord says,
“Turn to me now, while there is time.
Give me your hearts.
Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.
Don’t tear your clothing in your grief,
but tear your hearts instead.”
-Joel 2:12-13

"As long as you spend your life trying to change the world so you don't get upset, you're going to be upset. But when you can stay calm in the midst of adversity, and you can behave Godly no matter what anyone else does- now you're in a place where the devil can no longer provoke you. We are called to be overcomers."
-Joyce Meyer

We need to stop worrying about everyone else and get our own deal straight with God- thank Him for the conviction, thank Him for showing the light so we don't have to be consumed by the dark in our hearts, thank Him for wanting to answer our prayers so much that He reveals what is preventing us from hearing Him. For those whom the Lord loves, He convicts.

it's time to get serious.
salvation is freely given but the anointing of God over my life is going to cost me. the power of God acting in my life is going to cost me. i need to be ready to get serious about what God wants for me and know that it's not going to be easy and sacrifices are going to have to be made. He will convict me, He will reveal to me what I need to remove from my life, He will show me what I should be focusing on, He will provoke me to do things that are uncomfortable, He will put me through circumstances that force me to rely on Him. the walk will not always be conducive to my personal expectations if i am serious about wanting God to bless it.

john 15:13

it takes a long, long time to grow an old friend
though we're growing up in different places now, going after different goals
though 3 months pass without really hanging out
though we're moving at different paces it seems
going there
being here
doing that
saying this
she's designing, i'm psyching and prepping
she's found it, i'm still waiting
though change has taken hold of our lives even as we still beg for it to let go

the most important part is all the same
it takes a long time to grow a best friend

oh, mercy.

i was propelled back in time, or maybe just into a place in my heart that i've been working so hard to avoid since then. avoid in every sense of the word. ignore. push away. like if i walk (run) away then i won't have to deal with it. and i haven't fully had to so in a way my strategy worked. it worked (is working) so well. not only did i make myself numb through all of it, but i escaped to develop myself into something greater. i've been making my life into a huge compensation for what he did, for how he acted, for the choices he chose. a reward for my broken family, for my drained parents, for him to see what living right is like, for myself to prove that i am not him even though our dna matches. it's been a journey on my own, and a blessed one- i've been touched in so many ways. so in a sense i think i was meant to come down this path even though i got here for some wrong reasons. now as i am forced to think about those years spent in the dark, the dark that was so overwhelming that i felt i had to create my own light, i feel the hardness in a part of my heart. i feel it so powerfully, weighing down- reminding me of all the memories that could've been if it hadn't happened. if things had played out differently, if evil hadn't invaded and taken hold of someone i loved so very much. if evil hadn't stolen the brother i looked up to during such influential years. it's too much to think about, it's too much to feel. mom says i did my own thing, i tried so desperately hard to focus on my own goals, my own actions, my own life during all of it because it was the only way i knew how to cope. is that true? is it that i resented him so much? that i was so hurt by him and how his actions messed everything up during that time? that if i pushed it away long enough then it would go away? that if i said the right things, and tried to seem like i was okay then i would be? that everything would be? like a move in the right direction would solve it all. now, i see that speaking and motioning forgiveness are far from really allowing yourself room to forgive. which is why the talk last night hit me so hard, so deeply, right in that small, hard place in my heart that i've fought to hide for the past four years... that everything i have become has shadowed over and distracted me from. who am i, really? how did i get here? what motivated me to get here? why do i want to be a doctor? why am i even nearly 2 semesters away from graduating? what have i left behind in my relentless efforts to run away and establish myself separately? i need to go back- as much as it hurts to fathom what was lost, and in spite of all this time i've spent forgetting and trying to move on. i need to go back and really mean those words i said to him that day; those monotonous three words that i slipped out because i knew they should have been said. i need to offer that brother- exactly who he was at that time- mercy for everything. i need to release myself from all the bitterness and pain i kept inside and channeled into my perfectionistic drive to achieve more than what he had shown himself to be. i need to go back and tell that brother that who he was deserved a real sister with a real love despite it all. despite the evil that gripped him and wrecked our lives. he deserved the love that a small piece of my heart refused to give him. oh, mercy. he deserves it now.

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You
I trust in You
I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need

sunday rest

take this offering that i bring
humbly i fall on my knees
to proclaim You're everything
my life's nothing without You
take my hand and lead me through
You are my sustaining love
i live to worship You


"We should be more concerned with what's going on in us than what's going on around us. God is more concerned with how we respond to our circumstances than our circumstances. He gives us circumstances to grow us up." -Joyce Meyer

"You need peace with your will. Stop trying to do what you can't. You have to know His part and your part, and STOP trying to do His part." -Joyce Meyer

"You have to guard what God died to give you. The Holy Spirit will always lead you and guide you to peace. Follow it. You want to know His will for your life? Follow peace. You want to know what decision to make in your present situation? Follow peace. Let peace be the umpire in your life- to decide what's 'in' and what's 'out.' Your flesh can want so many things, but what does peace want for you?" -Joyce Meyer

Ephesians 4:3~ Be eager and strive earnestly to guard and keep the harmony and oneness of [and produced by] the Spirit in the binding power of peace.
"You're going to have to want peace enough to be willing to change some things, to change your approach to some things. It takes maturity to follow peace because you've got to be willing to swallow your pride- you've got to be willing to get yourself off your mind. You've got to be willing to look wrong sometimes in order to keep the peace. The Holy Spirit is the ultimate Convicter and Convincer, so when He says, 'be quiet,' then be quiet; when He says 'let it go,' then let it go. Hold your peace." -Joyce Meyer

Phillipians 1:28~ "..Stand strong in the good news, not flinching or dodging in the slightest before the opposition. Your courage will show them what they're up against: defeat for them and victory for you- and both because of God. There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for Him, and the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting."


I cannot speak peace to the storms in my life without having His peace within me. I walk into so many things that I so desperately need to get out of- if only I would submit to following peace. He died to give me a still, deep calm always. I need to learn to guard that peace with everything I am. He is calling, "Are you tired? Are you worn out? Come to me. Get away with me, and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Stay alongside me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." ~Matthew 11:28


there is far more than trusting, there is suffering. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. there is far more than trusting, there is suffering. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. God, help me to learn Your unforced rhythms of grace. please let them permeate my life, let them pour over my life and bring peace to the deepest places within me. help me to understand that only You are peace. help me to suffer through my circumstances if it is Your will, for it is through my suffering in You that i grow. it is in that suffering that You bring me Your peace, and Your peace is stronger than being right. it is more than trying to correct others and worrying about their lives. it is more than fulfilling my pride. it is better than any decision i could make for myself. it is better than being sure that others see me in the right light. it is so much more. help me to live to be a sacrifice for You and the gift You died to give to me everyday. help me to guard that perfect peace with all that i am so that a deep quietness may rest in my soul. in Your name i pray, amen*

i let too many things steal my peace- His peace- from me. no more.

cure

first long prayer in a long time serves to cure the stress that makes me feel sick inside.
when will i learn to call on Him before i'm sick?


"i will rise when He calls my name,
no more sorrow, no more pain;
i will rise on eagle's wings
before my God, fall on my knees,
and rise."