and so it is...an end to 2010

here's to:

turning 20. what a useless age, but it has to be included.
john mayer. i would slow dance in a burning room with him anyday.
LADIES NIGHT. epic. set the bar high.
ADPi owning Airbands. move, shake, droppp.
my first merlefest experience. turkey leg and all.
fighting with organic chemistry. winning.
rockbridge and BSB singalongs. seriously. bless the Lord, oh my soul.
tennis. unnecessary drama.
falling in love with childbirth and cutting the cord!
moving into apartment life with some besties
my dad deeming our apartment the Den of Sin
our apartment living up to its name...sort of ;)
Lauren and Kent on SYTYCD. they collided, and it was brilliant.

volunteering at the obgyn clinic, remembering spanish, and counting my blessings.
hannah and harrison becoming hanze.
rjd. it only is what it was.
roadtrip to wilmy with bre. all that ihop we (i) ate.
the video we made on the way home that is lost forever...
getting raped by that first orgo 2 test.
meeting God at Beach Weekend with Intervarsity. dum dums, sharing, praying, and tears.
GUYS NIGHT! planned, prepped, executed.
bre finding her love.
discipleship with Carie Mac and Frannie. uplifting.
forced to work with the oldies. loving the oldies.
God starting to work through greek intervarsity.
granddaddy flyin' away that morning. the leaves had barely started to change.
yellow roses.
tapping again. blisters never felt so good.
social dance with landon. the cha cha can be tamed.
toughest exam week to date. conquered. (only with lots of crap food, obscene videos, and PRAYER)
my class ring? have i really made it this far?
hearing granny laugh out loud again.
realizing what i want in a moment isn't necessarily what i want in the long-run.
calling it like i see it. putting the fire out before the burn.
mama's ring. mama's much deserved Christmas.
reuniting with the lovely katie nashland. 'i have a friend..'
time for reflection.

and to lots of other feelings, moments, ups, downs, prayers whispered, words that needed to be said that weren't, and looks given that probably should have been better concealed, obstacles, and accomplishments...now simply locked in time. perhaps they'll come back to me briefly as some part of my future dances through an experience that demands a recollection. until then, 2010. until then.

Oh, life divine

I'm just thinking about what the real Christmas night must've been like. How Holy it must have felt to the world. Seriously. Holiness must have been in the air. I'm sure everyone breathed it in and felt a divine peace...an unusual combination of calm and gratitude that really did make them fall to their knees.

What would it be like for the madness of the world to stop like that again? For sheer Holiness to beckon us all weary-minded souls to rejoice...to really feel our worth? Do we ever do that, even this time of year when we're supposed to? Do we understand that angels are singing all around us and we wake up to a new and glorious morn everyday? That He brought life, and life is alive and renewed and always divine through Him? Do we really feel that down deep where it matters?

Please, God, touch me with Your divine life..take my sin and error, and give me a thrill of hope. Help me to stop, separate myself from routine, and pause in awe of Your wonder not only this night, but in all my darkness. In Your name, Amen*


"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned." -Isaiah 9:2

"And Mary said, 'Yes, I see it all now: I am the Lord's maid, ready to serve. Let it be with me just as you say.'" -Luke 1:38

missing

i have a lot i want to say, but i can't find the words.
they're probably with that part of my heart that took a left at that light with him.

they'll find a way back eventually.





"whatever you want right now
cannot compare to what God wants for you."

more mixed

mixed also means that good feelings won't go away. won't leave.
no matter how much i say i just want cross the line.
mixed is still there...i guess because in a weird way mixed was better than nothing,
even though i know i deserve more.


mixed could convert?
mixed could become cross the line?
unless mixed is already crossing for someone else.

oh, the contemplation mixed brings, yet fails to take when he goes.
i guess that's why it's mixed after all.

mixed

mixed feelings. mixed thoughts. mixed experiences. mixed. maybe that should be the title of this blog. this past 4 months of my life have been...mixed. jumbled. neither here, nor there. or, rather, maybe here and there simultaneously. just goin' for the moment. and you know what that got me? some mixed results.

mixed never cuts it.
nobody wants gray.
don't get lost in the in-between.

mixed isn't good, but mixed isn't necessarily bad either. funny thing, that mixed-ness. i can't even really write about mixed, because it's well, it's mixed. i can pretty assuredly say that here at the end, after mixed was forced to either become something or nothing at all...i feel as if something is missing. like mixed took something from me that i won't get back. maybe it's just the time that i let it steal. in which case, time was to be taken regardless, but it's probably that i let mixed cover everything else that was happening. mixed stole my focus, it sang over my other jams, it cramped my independent style. so now that mixed is over, i'm left to see the remnants of my life that i wasn't able to really see, that i didn't hear too well, what i didn't fully take in as it was occuring, as it was passing by...and now all of a sudden, it's all here right before my eyes: i'm halfway done with junior year. i'm about to turn 21.

thanks, mixed, but i'm so done with you. for real. tell your friend cross the line that he can introduce himself whenever he pleases. i'm more than ready for his initiative and charm. and the words he'll say and really mean. not that you don't mean your words, mixed, but you just don't mean them enough. you're mixed. i need go big or go home. i need cross the line. i need swim. you just say you'll try to swim and then sink, or, even better, never even jump in. you feel me? okay, great. let's get some cross the line up in here.

here's to the first half of junior status and mixed. i'm sure i gained a lot with you that i'll realize eventually. most importantly, i hope that you can jump in and swim for someone. who knows, maybe you've been treading water for someone else all along...in which case i really hope you realize this and make your life right.

here's also to this break and all this reflection, me becoming a big girl on january 2, 2011, and the start of the end of junior status. cross the line, this one's gonna be for you, buddy. yo time ta shine! come to me.