can't,
won't,
want to..
share
want to..
desperately
but can't
just will not happen
stuck
i'm so stuck
don't want to
because i
can't,
won't,
be that girl
if only
i wasn't
stuck
so very stuck
at times i think life would be so much easier if i wasn't forced to
wait or wonder. the infamous W's. but life isn't easy.
it wasn't intended to be easy.
so i wait. and i wonder...somehow, i squeeze trust in there.
trust that it will all work out.
it will all work out in due time.
"sometimes people put up walls
not to keep others out,
but to see who cares enough
to break them down."
-some very wise person
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
seek Him
first of all, i'm not sure that i was truly motivated to go to rockbridge with IV for the right reasons...i have a big problem with focusing on what i should rather than just what i want. the bigger picture of being with God and growing in Him wasn't on the top of my priority list for the trip; i was more looking forward to getting away from school and hanging out with people. so the whole trip in itself is a testament to God's power over my mediocre life that i most of the time assume that i'm controlling...because He definitely spoke to me in those five days spent in the mountains of virginia and i heard:
sin screwed up a lot of things including the relationship i have with God, the relationship i have with myself, the relationships i have with others, and the relationship i have with creation.
my purity ring doesn't mean much...yeah, my actions may seem good but my heart worships sin all the time instead of God's will. sin isn't a behavior issue- it's a heart issue. blessed are those who are pure in heart.
only a deeper, stronger, purer love- only the love of God- can overcome the love i have for my sin, and becoming pure in heart isn't going to happen overnight. a pure heart journeys with God, trusts God, and believes in the holiness of His power over my daily life. a pure heart mourns the sin yet has faith in God despite it.
worrying is idolatry. it is hoping in creation instead of the Creator. worrying means that i put more faith in the world than i do in my God overcoming the world.
when quiet time came on the third day, i was feeling beaten and overwhelmed. how dare i come to church camp for myself and not for Him? how could i not expect Him to meet me here and reveal himself to me? how could i still, after all these words spoken in His name, not feel touched? amidst these thoughts running through my head, i happened to flip to this scripture:
"Go to this people and say, you will indeed listen, but never understand, and you will indeed look but never perceive. For this people's heart had grown dull, and their ears are hard of hearing, and they have shut their eyes; so that they may not look with their eyes, and listen with their ears, and understand with their heart and turn- and I would heal them." -Acts 28:26-27
praise the God who reaches out to the most distant of hearts, who speaks to the least receptive, and who appears to the averting. what had i been choosing to see? what had i been longing to hear over His voice? where was my heart centered? then the wind blew the pages of my Bible to this scripture, and to this night i pray that it stays with me because it truly speaks to my sin- only 98% of my day is spent hoping for what i want, seeking out what i think i need. is a heart like that pure?
"...but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope, we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought but the Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God searches the heart..." -Romans 8:23-27
seek Him.
trust Him.
love Him.
seek Him some more.
only a heart after Him will have the peace He gives.
only a heart after Him will be pure.
only a heart after Him will be blessed.
sin screwed up a lot of things including the relationship i have with God, the relationship i have with myself, the relationships i have with others, and the relationship i have with creation.
my purity ring doesn't mean much...yeah, my actions may seem good but my heart worships sin all the time instead of God's will. sin isn't a behavior issue- it's a heart issue. blessed are those who are pure in heart.
only a deeper, stronger, purer love- only the love of God- can overcome the love i have for my sin, and becoming pure in heart isn't going to happen overnight. a pure heart journeys with God, trusts God, and believes in the holiness of His power over my daily life. a pure heart mourns the sin yet has faith in God despite it.
worrying is idolatry. it is hoping in creation instead of the Creator. worrying means that i put more faith in the world than i do in my God overcoming the world.
when quiet time came on the third day, i was feeling beaten and overwhelmed. how dare i come to church camp for myself and not for Him? how could i not expect Him to meet me here and reveal himself to me? how could i still, after all these words spoken in His name, not feel touched? amidst these thoughts running through my head, i happened to flip to this scripture:
"Go to this people and say, you will indeed listen, but never understand, and you will indeed look but never perceive. For this people's heart had grown dull, and their ears are hard of hearing, and they have shut their eyes; so that they may not look with their eyes, and listen with their ears, and understand with their heart and turn- and I would heal them." -Acts 28:26-27
praise the God who reaches out to the most distant of hearts, who speaks to the least receptive, and who appears to the averting. what had i been choosing to see? what had i been longing to hear over His voice? where was my heart centered? then the wind blew the pages of my Bible to this scripture, and to this night i pray that it stays with me because it truly speaks to my sin- only 98% of my day is spent hoping for what i want, seeking out what i think i need. is a heart like that pure?
"...but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. For in hope, we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought but the Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God searches the heart..." -Romans 8:23-27
seek Him.
trust Him.
love Him.
seek Him some more.
only a heart after Him will have the peace He gives.
only a heart after Him will be pure.
only a heart after Him will be blessed.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Mama
Thank you for all the right words
Thank you for the listening silence
Thank you for the reassurance
Thank you for the guidance
Thank you for letting go yet still holding tight
Thank you for praying-
everything really will always be alright
I could say more, but my words just won't do-
the power is Above us,
and I thank God for you
-Mother's Day 2010
Thank you for the listening silence
Thank you for the reassurance
Thank you for the guidance
Thank you for letting go yet still holding tight
Thank you for praying-
everything really will always be alright
I could say more, but my words just won't do-
the power is Above us,
and I thank God for you
-Mother's Day 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
beautiful preparation
When we don't have it, we think we desperately need it. When it's coming, we find it hard to wait. When it's free, we long not only spend it, but to spend it well. When it's wasted, we stress out. When it passes too quickly, we cry and when it drags by, we get irritated. If it's tough, we are forced to hope. If it's good, we long to save it in pictures, videos, and the infamous phrase "good times, good times" like somehow we can capture it and keep it...in reminiscing we can repeat it, or at least some small part of it.
Is there any other part of life that we long to understand and control more? Maybe because we're bound to it, because we can't escape it..our lives are dictated by it's coming and going; it's bittersweet passing. It chooses to change that which we long would stay the same, seems to lengthen the circumstances we hate, and steals the moments we wish to freeze.
To us, this is what it does, this is what it's like. But what is its purpose to He who stands outside of it, over it? To Him who is propelling it constantly forward? To Him who watches and works through it? What does God give to our spirits by binding us to time on Earth? To His people that both grow so hopelessly weary by it and long for it to stretch forever?
It's times like these that I think about my life and who I was at any 'ol part of my past and who I am right now in this moment. What an instrument time is for God, and how well He plays it. No words of mine could ever attest to the work He has accomplished in me through His use of time- in all its various forms- His power practiced in me, His grace flowing through me, His plan fulfilled, His presence made known. A heart made new and a tired heart restored...an endless, beautiful cycle.
Here's to the good times...here's to time.
Thank you, God.
"Every experience God gives us,
every person he puts into our lives is a perfect preparation
for a future only He can see."
Is there any other part of life that we long to understand and control more? Maybe because we're bound to it, because we can't escape it..our lives are dictated by it's coming and going; it's bittersweet passing. It chooses to change that which we long would stay the same, seems to lengthen the circumstances we hate, and steals the moments we wish to freeze.
To us, this is what it does, this is what it's like. But what is its purpose to He who stands outside of it, over it? To Him who is propelling it constantly forward? To Him who watches and works through it? What does God give to our spirits by binding us to time on Earth? To His people that both grow so hopelessly weary by it and long for it to stretch forever?
It's times like these that I think about my life and who I was at any 'ol part of my past and who I am right now in this moment. What an instrument time is for God, and how well He plays it. No words of mine could ever attest to the work He has accomplished in me through His use of time- in all its various forms- His power practiced in me, His grace flowing through me, His plan fulfilled, His presence made known. A heart made new and a tired heart restored...an endless, beautiful cycle.
Here's to the good times...here's to time.
Thank you, God.
"Every experience God gives us,
every person he puts into our lives is a perfect preparation
for a future only He can see."
Sunday, May 2, 2010
good to know
so far from where you are
and i miss you
i miss the years that were erased
i miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
i miss all the little things
i never thought that they'd mean everything to me
-Lifehouse
is it possible to miss something you never even had? like to miss the idea? to give up on the hope, to let go of the dream that it would work out eventually? i think it is, and i think it's harder to deal with than missing past reality. you see, at least you can store real memories with someone deep in your heart to reference when you need them most...on the days you can't seem to smile no matter how hard you try. because at one time that person felt the same way, at one time you both were on the same page, you shared something special. that mutuality, no matter how distant it may seem now, is what makes missing something that really happened much simpler.
but what if that feeling was never grasped by the other person? what if it was always you, alone, wanting something so badly, hoping so desperately, living in a "it could happen" world so vulnerably? you took everything that other person did, and you believed what you wanted, you saw things from your perspective until you finally realized that it was all worthless, wasted time. what you hoped for really would never be, there was never common ground. only empty space. only a path you walked alone. you can't take that and store it in your heart for later. you can't look back on that and smile. all unrequited feelings give you is a loneliness that resonates to your core, a spirit that misses everything it thought it had yet never had at all.
how do you get rid of it? how do you fix that? most importantly, how do you not find yourself in the same situation with someone else again? how do you spare the heart that relentlessly misses too much already? that'd be good to know.
and i miss you
i miss the years that were erased
i miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
i miss all the little things
i never thought that they'd mean everything to me
-Lifehouse
is it possible to miss something you never even had? like to miss the idea? to give up on the hope, to let go of the dream that it would work out eventually? i think it is, and i think it's harder to deal with than missing past reality. you see, at least you can store real memories with someone deep in your heart to reference when you need them most...on the days you can't seem to smile no matter how hard you try. because at one time that person felt the same way, at one time you both were on the same page, you shared something special. that mutuality, no matter how distant it may seem now, is what makes missing something that really happened much simpler.
but what if that feeling was never grasped by the other person? what if it was always you, alone, wanting something so badly, hoping so desperately, living in a "it could happen" world so vulnerably? you took everything that other person did, and you believed what you wanted, you saw things from your perspective until you finally realized that it was all worthless, wasted time. what you hoped for really would never be, there was never common ground. only empty space. only a path you walked alone. you can't take that and store it in your heart for later. you can't look back on that and smile. all unrequited feelings give you is a loneliness that resonates to your core, a spirit that misses everything it thought it had yet never had at all.
how do you get rid of it? how do you fix that? most importantly, how do you not find yourself in the same situation with someone else again? how do you spare the heart that relentlessly misses too much already? that'd be good to know.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
a waiting blessing
I'm on my knees begging you to notice me.
Father, will you turn to me?
One tear in a driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
-10th avenue north
Patience is a funny thing. But what's really funny is that I find myself more irritated than laughing about it most of the time. Why do we have to wait? Why did God invent waiting anyway? What's so wrong with instant gratification? ...or maybe not even "instant" but just not what seems like forever. You know, instead of years, maybe a couple months. Or instead of a month, maybe a couple weeks. Instead of a week, I could go with a few days... What's the point in waiting an extended amount of time for something we really want, something we really need?
Waiting forces us to focus not on ourselves. I think God makes us wait because he knows that we wouldn't survive if we constantly received as much as we thought about our own desires.
Through waiting, I have to acknowledge not only my insufficiency and inadequacy, but my unworthiness. I don't deserve any of my heart's deepest needs because right where my needs are, there my sin is also. In patience I reflect on God's grace, God's power, God's mercy- God's will for my life. As much as I'd like to believe that the yearning in my soul is bringing my fulfillment closer, it's just not. The wonder of it, though, is that getting exactly what I know I want in this moment wouldn't satisfy me for an eternity like God's goodness and presence in my life does.
Waiting is the best thing that could happen to humanity; through patience we are allowed to reflect the image of God. What worldly desire supercedes that?
Father, will you turn to me?
One tear in a driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
-10th avenue north
Patience is a funny thing. But what's really funny is that I find myself more irritated than laughing about it most of the time. Why do we have to wait? Why did God invent waiting anyway? What's so wrong with instant gratification? ...or maybe not even "instant" but just not what seems like forever. You know, instead of years, maybe a couple months. Or instead of a month, maybe a couple weeks. Instead of a week, I could go with a few days... What's the point in waiting an extended amount of time for something we really want, something we really need?
Waiting forces us to focus not on ourselves. I think God makes us wait because he knows that we wouldn't survive if we constantly received as much as we thought about our own desires.
Through waiting, I have to acknowledge not only my insufficiency and inadequacy, but my unworthiness. I don't deserve any of my heart's deepest needs because right where my needs are, there my sin is also. In patience I reflect on God's grace, God's power, God's mercy- God's will for my life. As much as I'd like to believe that the yearning in my soul is bringing my fulfillment closer, it's just not. The wonder of it, though, is that getting exactly what I know I want in this moment wouldn't satisfy me for an eternity like God's goodness and presence in my life does.
Waiting is the best thing that could happen to humanity; through patience we are allowed to reflect the image of God. What worldly desire supercedes that?
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