from where do tears come? i've never had this kind before. i can't even say enough words to explain all the emotion that they contained, and then they also felt as simple as the single drops that streamed. it was like my heart was so full that what it couldn't possibly bear to feel welled up to surround my eyes until i had to blink to relieve the pressure. those kind of tears. i don't cry often but after a weekend like that; after feelings like those- the indescribable ones, the never-felt-like-this-before-and-can't-get-enough ones, the feelings that my heart knows can only be of God- those tears sure came.
'...Jesus took his stand. He cried out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Rivers of living water will brim and spill out of the depths of anyone who believes in me this way, just as the Scripture says." '
John 7:38
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
future plans and dreams at night
:: "i don't know. i just feel like i missed the boat. i did."
:: "no...no, don't say that. this is a ferry system. there's another coming."
how did i get it this good? the hardest of questions and decisions weighing on my heart yet the simplest of comments puts them at ease...if only for now. i'm in love with right now.
:: "no...no, don't say that. this is a ferry system. there's another coming."
how did i get it this good? the hardest of questions and decisions weighing on my heart yet the simplest of comments puts them at ease...if only for now. i'm in love with right now.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
learning to fly
well i'm learning to fly but i ain't got wings
and coming down is the hardest thing
-TB
junior year felt like junior month. it certainly didn't feel like 2 whole semesters, but then i think about the ups and downs, the people met who only stayed for a portion and those who i'm still growing to know, the decisions made and regretted, the decisions made and fulfilled, the convictions and blessings, the deep discussions that were heard so deeply and all the words said that meant nothing, the challenges faced and the praise given for once again being able to overcome...all wrapped up in a blur of wondering what it would feel like to be a senior to now realizing i'm here.
it's funny to me how what happens during a span of time seems to define it when i look back. and how in the moments it all seemed so different than it does now. what it was like then isn't necessarily what it is now, or what it is at all. i don't feel the intensity of the situations pressing down on me, but i know where i am now because of it so i realize that the pressure was all for growth. it's like learning to fly... without wings.
and coming down is the hardest thing
-TB
junior year felt like junior month. it certainly didn't feel like 2 whole semesters, but then i think about the ups and downs, the people met who only stayed for a portion and those who i'm still growing to know, the decisions made and regretted, the decisions made and fulfilled, the convictions and blessings, the deep discussions that were heard so deeply and all the words said that meant nothing, the challenges faced and the praise given for once again being able to overcome...all wrapped up in a blur of wondering what it would feel like to be a senior to now realizing i'm here.
it's funny to me how what happens during a span of time seems to define it when i look back. and how in the moments it all seemed so different than it does now. what it was like then isn't necessarily what it is now, or what it is at all. i don't feel the intensity of the situations pressing down on me, but i know where i am now because of it so i realize that the pressure was all for growth. it's like learning to fly... without wings.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
it just feels right
"It's all gonna be fine.
It just feels right.
It has the whole time."
It's scary to look ahead and realize God wants me to move mountains. It's comforting to know that the mountains won't seem like mountains if I agree to trust Him completely. Could this be it?
God, do you know that I'm scared? Do you know I feel lost and I'm trying so hard to hear your voice? Do you know I'm worried more about what other people will think than what you think? Do you know that if I do this then I'm solely going to be relying on you and that's something I haven't done to this extent before? Do you know that I feel so overwhelmed by a deal that I keep claiming 'isn't a big deal' ? I know in my heart that you're speaking to me to make a change in my life, but I'm startled by the way you're delivering the message...the world I'm surrounded by, that I'm living in is screaming for me to deny it. Is this for real? Please, help me see past the messenger to you. Help me to hear you. Won't you come close and hold my heart? Won't you help me act upon your will alone? In your name, Amen*
It just feels right.
It has the whole time."
It's scary to look ahead and realize God wants me to move mountains. It's comforting to know that the mountains won't seem like mountains if I agree to trust Him completely. Could this be it?
God, do you know that I'm scared? Do you know I feel lost and I'm trying so hard to hear your voice? Do you know I'm worried more about what other people will think than what you think? Do you know that if I do this then I'm solely going to be relying on you and that's something I haven't done to this extent before? Do you know that I feel so overwhelmed by a deal that I keep claiming 'isn't a big deal' ? I know in my heart that you're speaking to me to make a change in my life, but I'm startled by the way you're delivering the message...the world I'm surrounded by, that I'm living in is screaming for me to deny it. Is this for real? Please, help me see past the messenger to you. Help me to hear you. Won't you come close and hold my heart? Won't you help me act upon your will alone? In your name, Amen*
Thursday, March 31, 2011
heart choices
"Even slavery can free other things within us...if we submit to the process."
-MMH
thank You, God. please help me to continue to listen for your whisper over all this white noise of what i want in the world. help me not just to hear it, but to be confident enough to stand firm on it, act on it, and rest in it. thank You, God.
Your will. not mine.
-MMH
thank You, God. please help me to continue to listen for your whisper over all this white noise of what i want in the world. help me not just to hear it, but to be confident enough to stand firm on it, act on it, and rest in it. thank You, God.
Your will. not mine.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
sunday rest
it's so refreshing to realize that God's been working all along; that even when i feel like my life is so routine and monotonous, He's been preparing me so faithfully. He's been moving people towards me and away from me so strategically. He's been carrying me through and pushing me forward so purposefully. how fulfilling it is to see God and really receive His blessings with open, thankful arms. His love is so overpowering. i feel like i need to be still and rest in it as much as i need to stand up and scream it.
thank You, God.
thank You, God.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
sunday rest
You must understand this, my beloved; let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God's righteousness. Therefore rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. For if any are hearers of the word and not doers, they are like those who look at themselves in a mirror; for they look at themselves and, on going away, immediately forget what they were like. But those who look into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and persevere, being not hearers who forget but doers who act- they will be blessed in their doing.
James 1:19-25
the story God has for my life is to take me out of division into unity with Him. the story is to purify me so that i may be close to Him. oh, how He loves me enough to write my words, turn my pages, develop my character...that i may live ever after with Him. oh, how He loves me enough to bless my story so it may be read by others that they may also understand His holy, true ways.
James 1:19-25
the story God has for my life is to take me out of division into unity with Him. the story is to purify me so that i may be close to Him. oh, how He loves me enough to write my words, turn my pages, develop my character...that i may live ever after with Him. oh, how He loves me enough to bless my story so it may be read by others that they may also understand His holy, true ways.
an old new?
exactly 4 years ago was the first.
a moon closer than it has been in 18 years tonight.
laughing like we're supposed to.
i like it.
a moon closer than it has been in 18 years tonight.
laughing like we're supposed to.
i like it.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
sunday rest
it's time to get serious about God's will for my life. no, that doesn't mean read my Bible more because it's what i'm 'supposed' to do or pray more sweet, empty prayers because they sound good and it's what i'm 'supposed' to do. that means realizing that everything i've been praying for has been conditioned on Him changing those around me. that means realizing that God wants to bless me and answer my prayers, but He is calling for me to make some changes in my life. He is convicting me. it's time that i get serious about listening to what He is telling me if i really want Him to bless me.
That is why the Lord says,
“Turn to me now, while there is time.
Give me your hearts.
Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.
Don’t tear your clothing in your grief,
but tear your hearts instead.”
-Joel 2:12-13
"As long as you spend your life trying to change the world so you don't get upset, you're going to be upset. But when you can stay calm in the midst of adversity, and you can behave Godly no matter what anyone else does- now you're in a place where the devil can no longer provoke you. We are called to be overcomers."
-Joyce Meyer
We need to stop worrying about everyone else and get our own deal straight with God- thank Him for the conviction, thank Him for showing the light so we don't have to be consumed by the dark in our hearts, thank Him for wanting to answer our prayers so much that He reveals what is preventing us from hearing Him. For those whom the Lord loves, He convicts.
it's time to get serious.
salvation is freely given but the anointing of God over my life is going to cost me. the power of God acting in my life is going to cost me. i need to be ready to get serious about what God wants for me and know that it's not going to be easy and sacrifices are going to have to be made. He will convict me, He will reveal to me what I need to remove from my life, He will show me what I should be focusing on, He will provoke me to do things that are uncomfortable, He will put me through circumstances that force me to rely on Him. the walk will not always be conducive to my personal expectations if i am serious about wanting God to bless it.
That is why the Lord says,
“Turn to me now, while there is time.
Give me your hearts.
Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.
Don’t tear your clothing in your grief,
but tear your hearts instead.”
-Joel 2:12-13
"As long as you spend your life trying to change the world so you don't get upset, you're going to be upset. But when you can stay calm in the midst of adversity, and you can behave Godly no matter what anyone else does- now you're in a place where the devil can no longer provoke you. We are called to be overcomers."
-Joyce Meyer
We need to stop worrying about everyone else and get our own deal straight with God- thank Him for the conviction, thank Him for showing the light so we don't have to be consumed by the dark in our hearts, thank Him for wanting to answer our prayers so much that He reveals what is preventing us from hearing Him. For those whom the Lord loves, He convicts.
it's time to get serious.
salvation is freely given but the anointing of God over my life is going to cost me. the power of God acting in my life is going to cost me. i need to be ready to get serious about what God wants for me and know that it's not going to be easy and sacrifices are going to have to be made. He will convict me, He will reveal to me what I need to remove from my life, He will show me what I should be focusing on, He will provoke me to do things that are uncomfortable, He will put me through circumstances that force me to rely on Him. the walk will not always be conducive to my personal expectations if i am serious about wanting God to bless it.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
john 15:13
it takes a long, long time to grow an old friend
though we're growing up in different places now, going after different goals
though 3 months pass without really hanging out
though we're moving at different paces it seems
going there
being here
doing that
saying this
she's designing, i'm psyching and prepping
she's found it, i'm still waiting
though change has taken hold of our lives even as we still beg for it to let go
the most important part is all the same
it takes a long time to grow a best friend
though we're growing up in different places now, going after different goals
though 3 months pass without really hanging out
though we're moving at different paces it seems
going there
being here
doing that
saying this
she's designing, i'm psyching and prepping
she's found it, i'm still waiting
though change has taken hold of our lives even as we still beg for it to let go
the most important part is all the same
it takes a long time to grow a best friend
Friday, February 25, 2011
oh, mercy.
i was propelled back in time, or maybe just into a place in my heart that i've been working so hard to avoid since then. avoid in every sense of the word. ignore. push away. like if i walk (run) away then i won't have to deal with it. and i haven't fully had to so in a way my strategy worked. it worked (is working) so well. not only did i make myself numb through all of it, but i escaped to develop myself into something greater. i've been making my life into a huge compensation for what he did, for how he acted, for the choices he chose. a reward for my broken family, for my drained parents, for him to see what living right is like, for myself to prove that i am not him even though our dna matches. it's been a journey on my own, and a blessed one- i've been touched in so many ways. so in a sense i think i was meant to come down this path even though i got here for some wrong reasons. now as i am forced to think about those years spent in the dark, the dark that was so overwhelming that i felt i had to create my own light, i feel the hardness in a part of my heart. i feel it so powerfully, weighing down- reminding me of all the memories that could've been if it hadn't happened. if things had played out differently, if evil hadn't invaded and taken hold of someone i loved so very much. if evil hadn't stolen the brother i looked up to during such influential years. it's too much to think about, it's too much to feel. mom says i did my own thing, i tried so desperately hard to focus on my own goals, my own actions, my own life during all of it because it was the only way i knew how to cope. is that true? is it that i resented him so much? that i was so hurt by him and how his actions messed everything up during that time? that if i pushed it away long enough then it would go away? that if i said the right things, and tried to seem like i was okay then i would be? that everything would be? like a move in the right direction would solve it all. now, i see that speaking and motioning forgiveness are far from really allowing yourself room to forgive. which is why the talk last night hit me so hard, so deeply, right in that small, hard place in my heart that i've fought to hide for the past four years... that everything i have become has shadowed over and distracted me from. who am i, really? how did i get here? what motivated me to get here? why do i want to be a doctor? why am i even nearly 2 semesters away from graduating? what have i left behind in my relentless efforts to run away and establish myself separately? i need to go back- as much as it hurts to fathom what was lost, and in spite of all this time i've spent forgetting and trying to move on. i need to go back and really mean those words i said to him that day; those monotonous three words that i slipped out because i knew they should have been said. i need to offer that brother- exactly who he was at that time- mercy for everything. i need to release myself from all the bitterness and pain i kept inside and channeled into my perfectionistic drive to achieve more than what he had shown himself to be. i need to go back and tell that brother that who he was deserved a real sister with a real love despite it all. despite the evil that gripped him and wrecked our lives. he deserved the love that a small piece of my heart refused to give him. oh, mercy. he deserves it now.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
sunday rest
take this offering that i bring
humbly i fall on my knees
to proclaim You're everything
my life's nothing without You
take my hand and lead me through
You are my sustaining love
i live to worship You
"We should be more concerned with what's going on in us than what's going on around us. God is more concerned with how we respond to our circumstances than our circumstances. He gives us circumstances to grow us up." -Joyce Meyer
"You need peace with your will. Stop trying to do what you can't. You have to know His part and your part, and STOP trying to do His part." -Joyce Meyer
"You have to guard what God died to give you. The Holy Spirit will always lead you and guide you to peace. Follow it. You want to know His will for your life? Follow peace. You want to know what decision to make in your present situation? Follow peace. Let peace be the umpire in your life- to decide what's 'in' and what's 'out.' Your flesh can want so many things, but what does peace want for you?" -Joyce Meyer
Ephesians 4:3~ Be eager and strive earnestly to guard and keep the harmony and oneness of [and produced by] the Spirit in the binding power of peace.
"You're going to have to want peace enough to be willing to change some things, to change your approach to some things. It takes maturity to follow peace because you've got to be willing to swallow your pride- you've got to be willing to get yourself off your mind. You've got to be willing to look wrong sometimes in order to keep the peace. The Holy Spirit is the ultimate Convicter and Convincer, so when He says, 'be quiet,' then be quiet; when He says 'let it go,' then let it go. Hold your peace." -Joyce Meyer
Phillipians 1:28~ "..Stand strong in the good news, not flinching or dodging in the slightest before the opposition. Your courage will show them what they're up against: defeat for them and victory for you- and both because of God. There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for Him, and the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting."
I cannot speak peace to the storms in my life without having His peace within me. I walk into so many things that I so desperately need to get out of- if only I would submit to following peace. He died to give me a still, deep calm always. I need to learn to guard that peace with everything I am. He is calling, "Are you tired? Are you worn out? Come to me. Get away with me, and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Stay alongside me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." ~Matthew 11:28
there is far more than trusting, there is suffering. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. there is far more than trusting, there is suffering. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. God, help me to learn Your unforced rhythms of grace. please let them permeate my life, let them pour over my life and bring peace to the deepest places within me. help me to understand that only You are peace. help me to suffer through my circumstances if it is Your will, for it is through my suffering in You that i grow. it is in that suffering that You bring me Your peace, and Your peace is stronger than being right. it is more than trying to correct others and worrying about their lives. it is more than fulfilling my pride. it is better than any decision i could make for myself. it is better than being sure that others see me in the right light. it is so much more. help me to live to be a sacrifice for You and the gift You died to give to me everyday. help me to guard that perfect peace with all that i am so that a deep quietness may rest in my soul. in Your name i pray, amen*
i let too many things steal my peace- His peace- from me. no more.
humbly i fall on my knees
to proclaim You're everything
my life's nothing without You
take my hand and lead me through
You are my sustaining love
i live to worship You
"We should be more concerned with what's going on in us than what's going on around us. God is more concerned with how we respond to our circumstances than our circumstances. He gives us circumstances to grow us up." -Joyce Meyer
"You need peace with your will. Stop trying to do what you can't. You have to know His part and your part, and STOP trying to do His part." -Joyce Meyer
"You have to guard what God died to give you. The Holy Spirit will always lead you and guide you to peace. Follow it. You want to know His will for your life? Follow peace. You want to know what decision to make in your present situation? Follow peace. Let peace be the umpire in your life- to decide what's 'in' and what's 'out.' Your flesh can want so many things, but what does peace want for you?" -Joyce Meyer
Ephesians 4:3~ Be eager and strive earnestly to guard and keep the harmony and oneness of [and produced by] the Spirit in the binding power of peace.
"You're going to have to want peace enough to be willing to change some things, to change your approach to some things. It takes maturity to follow peace because you've got to be willing to swallow your pride- you've got to be willing to get yourself off your mind. You've got to be willing to look wrong sometimes in order to keep the peace. The Holy Spirit is the ultimate Convicter and Convincer, so when He says, 'be quiet,' then be quiet; when He says 'let it go,' then let it go. Hold your peace." -Joyce Meyer
Phillipians 1:28~ "..Stand strong in the good news, not flinching or dodging in the slightest before the opposition. Your courage will show them what they're up against: defeat for them and victory for you- and both because of God. There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for Him, and the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting."
I cannot speak peace to the storms in my life without having His peace within me. I walk into so many things that I so desperately need to get out of- if only I would submit to following peace. He died to give me a still, deep calm always. I need to learn to guard that peace with everything I am. He is calling, "Are you tired? Are you worn out? Come to me. Get away with me, and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Stay alongside me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." ~Matthew 11:28
there is far more than trusting, there is suffering. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. there is far more than trusting, there is suffering. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. learn the unforced rhythms of grace. God, help me to learn Your unforced rhythms of grace. please let them permeate my life, let them pour over my life and bring peace to the deepest places within me. help me to understand that only You are peace. help me to suffer through my circumstances if it is Your will, for it is through my suffering in You that i grow. it is in that suffering that You bring me Your peace, and Your peace is stronger than being right. it is more than trying to correct others and worrying about their lives. it is more than fulfilling my pride. it is better than any decision i could make for myself. it is better than being sure that others see me in the right light. it is so much more. help me to live to be a sacrifice for You and the gift You died to give to me everyday. help me to guard that perfect peace with all that i am so that a deep quietness may rest in my soul. in Your name i pray, amen*
i let too many things steal my peace- His peace- from me. no more.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
cure
first long prayer in a long time serves to cure the stress that makes me feel sick inside.
when will i learn to call on Him before i'm sick?
"i will rise when He calls my name,
no more sorrow, no more pain;
i will rise on eagle's wings
before my God, fall on my knees,
and rise."
when will i learn to call on Him before i'm sick?
"i will rise when He calls my name,
no more sorrow, no more pain;
i will rise on eagle's wings
before my God, fall on my knees,
and rise."
Sunday, January 23, 2011
ask
God,
do you really know who i am in this?
do you know what's upon me?
do you know that this is the most difficult situation i believe i've ever been dealt?
do you know that to my core i don't think i can handle it anymore?
do you know that i'm still hurting?
do you know that i'm tired of trying? so very tired
do you know that i'm empty inside?
do you know that despite all of my best efforts, i still feel like i've failed you?
do you know that my heart hurts for those around me who are in this too and it's consuming me?
do you know that i'm so afraid of what's next?
do you know that i'm smiling to everyone, but i'm crying out to you?
do you know that i'm faking being okay because i know i have to endure this?
do you know that i'm around others who show your love, but i've never felt so alone?
do you know that i'm so grateful for the support i've received, but it hasn't taken away the pain?
do you know that i wish i was invisible right now? that i could leave it all behind and not look back?
do you know that all i really want is to wake up and it all to have been a very bad dream?
do you know that i want to escape this reality, my very real reality?
do you know that i want you to deliver me from this?
do you know that i know i need to keep the faith, but i still feel lost?
do you know that i'm scared of this moment, yet even more for what's to come?
do you know that i'm listening to your music, talking to your people, hearing what i believe you want, but i am still hurting?
do you know that all i want is to be near you? for you to take it all away?
do you know that all i've tried to do is what you would have me to do, but i feel like i've failed because it seems like it hasn't worked?
do you know that i wish i had tears to cry because i can still feel them behind my eyes?
do you know that i'm tired, so very tired of caring? that i think if i didn't care everything would be easier?
do you know that it takes all that is within me to carry on? that i believe i can't do it?
do you know that i'm worried i can't live like this? that i won't survive?
do you know that i am questioning? that i feel like i need answers for peace to come?
do you know that i am questioning?
do you know that i am questioning?
do you know that i am questioning?
do you really know who i am in this?
do you know what's upon me?
do you know that this is the most difficult situation i believe i've ever been dealt?
do you know that to my core i don't think i can handle it anymore?
do you know that i'm still hurting?
do you know that i'm tired of trying? so very tired
do you know that i'm empty inside?
do you know that despite all of my best efforts, i still feel like i've failed you?
do you know that my heart hurts for those around me who are in this too and it's consuming me?
do you know that i'm so afraid of what's next?
do you know that i'm smiling to everyone, but i'm crying out to you?
do you know that i'm faking being okay because i know i have to endure this?
do you know that i'm around others who show your love, but i've never felt so alone?
do you know that i'm so grateful for the support i've received, but it hasn't taken away the pain?
do you know that i wish i was invisible right now? that i could leave it all behind and not look back?
do you know that all i really want is to wake up and it all to have been a very bad dream?
do you know that i want to escape this reality, my very real reality?
do you know that i want you to deliver me from this?
do you know that i know i need to keep the faith, but i still feel lost?
do you know that i'm scared of this moment, yet even more for what's to come?
do you know that i'm listening to your music, talking to your people, hearing what i believe you want, but i am still hurting?
do you know that all i want is to be near you? for you to take it all away?
do you know that all i've tried to do is what you would have me to do, but i feel like i've failed because it seems like it hasn't worked?
do you know that i wish i had tears to cry because i can still feel them behind my eyes?
do you know that i'm tired, so very tired of caring? that i think if i didn't care everything would be easier?
do you know that it takes all that is within me to carry on? that i believe i can't do it?
do you know that i'm worried i can't live like this? that i won't survive?
do you know that i am questioning? that i feel like i need answers for peace to come?
do you know that i am questioning?
do you know that i am questioning?
do you know that i am questioning?
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
something beautiful
the most beautiful thing in the world is the way God puts people into my life to guide me along His way at just the right time. that is the most beautiful thing. how forever grateful my heart is, how close i feel to Him now.
it is my sincere, honest prayer that i may return the favor to them, through Him, during their times of need before He ultimately steers us in different directions, before He sends us different ways.
"and i thought, that i saw, a light shine; i thought that i saw a light shine, yes.."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zqYJj5ucG8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juaKGXrw4lU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTwwGh8gMo
it is my sincere, honest prayer that i may return the favor to them, through Him, during their times of need before He ultimately steers us in different directions, before He sends us different ways.
"and i thought, that i saw, a light shine; i thought that i saw a light shine, yes.."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zqYJj5ucG8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juaKGXrw4lU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTwwGh8gMo
Friday, January 14, 2011
be thou my Vision
and the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
from the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out
"...and whatever happens this semester, God, in our lives please help us to remember that it's really all about You. help us to focus on You.."
from the inside out, Lord, my soul cries out
"...and whatever happens this semester, God, in our lives please help us to remember that it's really all about You. help us to focus on You.."
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